Looking Ahead

It's 4 days after Halloween and I'm listening to Garfield's Christmas on TV. Awesome movie that I remember taping off TV back in tha' day. This one is the DVD version that we rented for Halloween because Connor was too sick to go out. It has Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas on it. Turns out that Levi took him to a couple of houses anyways and I watched it alone...but don't tell anyone!

Here's a few pics of the preparations at our house:






Now that Halloween is over, Connor's focus is all about Christmas. "Oh what fun..." Heehee!

Thankfully he seems to be over the worst of his Pneumonia. I'm all about treating ailments naturally, but Wow! Do I ever love Prednisone! After the second dose his coughing was reduced to the point where he could actually finish a sentence without gasping for breath or having another coughing fit. And to where I could actually doze off a bit between breathing treatments at night. Yay for sleep in two hour stretches! After 5 days on the stuff he's barely coughing at all! : )


So now that he's on the mend, I have all four littles back for daycare again. All with runny noses and phlegmy coughs. Not so great - inevitable I know, but still...so the cycle continues. *sigh*

At some point last night the culmination of the past week and a half without sleep and a compromised immune system hit me full in the face. My throat hurts. My nose is plugged and runny at the same time. My lungs are burning and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Looking after 4 toddlers and a preschooler today? It's not a pretty sight.

On the positive side, an opportunity has presented itself and I can't turn it down. I've got some plans in the works that will allow me to be more available for my children, put my skills, education and training to good use and still bring in an income. It's going to mean that some big decisions will have to be made, (nothing bad though - we're not moving or anything like that!) and a lot of ground work at first, but in the end I know it will be worth it. I wish I could elaborate more, but until some things are firmed up I can't really divulge much information. I do know that if I'm able to successfully go ahead with my plans, I will be busy in a different and much less stressful way than I am now.

And that's good for everyone involved!

Already

Every September, Levi and I jokingly make bets on when the first kid is going to get sick with some virus they've picked up at school. Not that we think it's funny that the kids get sick, but with three kids, we've learned to have a sense of humor about accepting the inevetable.

I placed my bet at three and a half weeks from the first day, Levi placed his at five weeks. Traditionally, the sniffles and scratchy throats start to appear around the end of September/beginning of October.

Terran came home with a fever of 102F on Wednesday. Maddie has had a scratchy throat since yesterday, and this morning Connor woke up with a stuffy nose.

School started exactly one week ago yesterday.

It's going to be a long year.

Random Bits of Bloggy Blathering...

*knocks on screen*

Hello?? Anyone out there anymore?

*crickets chirping*

Whatever. I'm still gonna write, and if you want to join in by reading then I'm all too happy to have you here for a bit. And maybe you can leave a nice comment or something? Please?

Yes, I've been away for waaay too long. But all that is changing now, because I have *pause for dramatic effect* High Speed Internet!!

Things are slowly getting back to normal I think (hope).

* Recovery from surgery is slower that I would have liked, but I am only at the 4 week mark. I feel pretty good most of the time, but my body is quick to remind me later on that I still need to take it easy. (I'm not sure what's killing me more, the no exercising/yoga/pilates for 6-8 weeks or the no umm.. er, "relations" for 6 weeks. It's a toss up!) Yes, I did just say that...

* Shopping!!! I have spent an obscene amount of time (and only a moderate amount of money) on myself lately. Once I got past that nagging "Mommy Guilt" from taking time and money to do something for myself, I made an appointment and got my hair done yesterday. It looks great - I love it. Completely chopped off into a cute bob, or as some would call it, a "Pob", after Posh Spice's latest look. Although I don't think mine is as short as hers. Something different and easier for the warm weather I hope we'll get soon. I also bought myself some new organic & mineral make-up, since my old stuff was used up long ago and I've been walking around with a naked face. And I got new Wellies!! Pink plaid ones...if we're going to have rain for weeks at a time, at least I can have some fun with it and wear the proper footwear! Who said retail therapy doesn't work?

*Did I mention we finally have High Speed Internet?

*Madeline is into Track & Field and Soccer, so four out of five days I am required to play the role of her chauffeur. Since she is also a social butterfly, I do after practice pick-ups at various friends houses as well.
Terran is rocking out on his newest guitar, a sweet blue Fender that was a gift to him from my dad. The sound out of that thing is amazing... He is going to the Music Rocks Academy "Learn to Play in a Band" summer camp in July. I think it's going to be an awesome experience for him!
Connor is his usual jolly self, and he makes me laugh on a daily basis. He told me that I was "this cool" and made a "loser" sign with his finger and thumb. I know what he meant but it didn't stop us from busting a gut laughing... I bought him some "BOB Books" that we will start on in the fall, they're grade 1 level and perfect for where he is at right now (and will be later on) with his reading. I love that he has such strong literacy skills at such a young age - not even in Kindergarten yet!

*Pets - Ok, pet. Lilly still pukes on an almost daily basis. Is it because she eats too fast, or gets all worked up before she eats and then "splat!" there it is again? I thought of hairballs, but she's a shorthair and there's never any hair in it. Last year the vet put her on some "special" (read EXPENSIVE) food but it really didn't seem to make a difference. Also, I've been checking out the Pet Insurance sites. Does anyone have insurance on their pet? Last year we spent a small fortune on her with her urinary crystals and dehydration and everything else. One site quoted me $11.00 a month for some pretty decent coverage. Levi thinks I'm insane for considering it, his argument is "She's a barn cat!" True, she was. But HE brought her into our home when she was teeny tiny and she's family now. I would hate to think that a couple hundred dollars might mean the difference between having her here and having her put down. Eleven dollars a month starts to look pretty affordable when you consider it cost us $400.00 last year alone in vet bills before we even got her spayed...

And, we're considering adding to our family. A fur baby, I mean. We've had the privilege of looking after my sister's husky, Silver, for a few months. I really enjoyed having her here. She's such a well behaved dog, and I love her personality. Not to mention how beautiful she is...Anyways, I've really wanted a dog for a long time now, since well before Christmas actually. I've been doing lots of research and the two we've narrowed it down to are the American Cocker Spaniel or Siberian Husky. I know, so different! They each have the intelligence and personalities that we're looking for, and both breeds are great with children, gentle, playful, etc. Both breeds are beautiful too, so that doesn't make it any easier to choose. Our house and yard are big enough for either breed, so that makes it harder to choose too. There's pros and cons to both breeds, so I guess it will be a surprise to us all when the time comes to get our new addition! (And yes, I checked out Pet Insurance for dogs too!)

So let's hear from you. Is pet insurance a crock or not? American Cocker Spaniel or Siberian Husky? Regular, Organic, Mineral, or no make-up at all? Wellies or wet feet? How long should a 14 year old boy be allowed to grow his hair, and should an 11 year old girl be allowed to get her own "Facebook?" And does anyone want to come over and clean up this cat puke?

"Rainy Days and Mondays...

...always get me down."

I've had a wonderful weekend at home with my family these past few days. It was wonderful in part because Friday was my birthday, but also because my dad and step-mom were visiting from Newfoundland. I haven't seen them since last August, and I haven't spent my birthday with my dad since I was fourteen. The kids were thrilled to have someone new to showcase their talents in front of, and I think my parents were just as delighted to sit and enjoy the quirky little people that are their grand kids.

With me still recovering from my surgery three weeks ago and my father recovering from shoulder surgery a week ago, it really didn't take too much to tire either one of us out. As is typical of my parents, they spoiled us all rotten - Olive took Maddie and I shoe shopping, and Dad managed to BBQ the most amazing steaks with one arm in a sling. By the time evening fell though, we were more than ready to sit and relax in front of a crackling fire. It was comforting, having them here, and it felt good to feel connected to family again.

I've mentioned before that it's not so much the "where I grew up" that I feel a longing for, but rather the "how". I know my childhood was less than ideal, but I had a great younger childhood and my dad played a huge part in that. He was a very "hands-on" parent, always involved and introducing us to new things. After he and my mom divorced, most of my relationships with extended family and other positives in my life also disappeared, and so I've always associated the happier times with him.

This morning Dad and Olive left for Nova Scotia, where they will stay until next week before returning to Newfoundland. I've learned to deal with the good-byes over the last nineteen years, and they've become easier. I know that I will see them again soon, likely within the year. Somehow, that doesn't make it any easier, and I know that I will miss my dad. Suddenly I am fourteen again. The sadness I feel every time I say good-bye to him has lodged itself in my throat, and the ache of "homesickness" that had eased while he was here has settled once again in my chest.

I really hope the sun comes out tomorrow, but for today, it can rain.

The Post Where I Blather On...

It's a rainy Saturday night here at my house. It's 11 degrees above zero. And there was LIGHTNING!!! Did Mother Nature forget that it's January in Atlantic Canada?!? Where is all the snow and stuff that makes winter so fun?? Most people would be telling me that rain is easier to deal with than snow - no shovelling. Maybe at their house. Here, not so much. I'd take snow over rain any day. Snow is pretty and makes the ground look clean and bright. A marshmallow world - you can play in it and not get covered in mud. And when it snows, my basement and back porch doesn't leak.

"Ahhh..." you might say with complete understanding. See - I haven't lost my mind- I'm just tired of mopping up leaks off the floor and wearing rubber boots to put wood in the furnace! "Wait - what?" you might ask, "Furnace? Isn't it 11 degrees?" Um, yeah... but it's damp and there is water all over the basement... so I have a fire going and it's just a wee bit warm in here. Normally I like it warm in the house. I'm One Of Those People who like to crank the heat then walk around in my tank top, boxers and fuzzy slippers. Not tonight though. Terran and I were putting together two shelving units for some of the hundreds of books we seem to have everywhere.

Ever try to assemble anything with a thirteen year old who's been up all night playing video games with his buddy? Or with the mother who was up all night trying not to hear the thirteen year old who was up all night playing video games with his buddy? I'm sure to an outsider it was probably not the best way to spend a Saturday night, but it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, I got a blister on my palm and all, but the shelves are done, I have a place to put some of the books we're currently using and nobody got hurt by airborne screwdrivers. That in itself is pretty sweet! LOL!

Ok, other news. Our van is officially on the way out. It's beginning to cost more just to keep it going than it would to actually have a new(er) vehicle. So we're (I'm) looking. This week I have learned/decided that I do not like car/van/SUV shopping. And that The Next Used Car Dealer that calls me sweetheart had better be wearing a cup. I bet they wouldn't do that if Levi was with me.

I also learned/decided that I can not buy ink for the printer either. I even showed the girl working at The Store what my printer looked like so she could show me what kind of ink cartridges I needed to buy. Turns out that I was close, but not close enough. I got home and realized that having The Transparent Blue Lid on your printer apparently is different than having The Solid Beige Lid, and that even though they may look identical in every other way, the cartridges are just not the same (they looked identical to the ones I took out!) So I had to go back to The Store and get the correct ones, which of course were also twice the cost of the ones I had to exchange. And those were the cheaper Store Brand ones!!

On the homeschooling front, I picked up some of the preschool series workbooks for Connor and he's quite excited to dive into them each day. He tends to go through them quickly and seems to absorb what he is learning, so he'll probably be to Kindergarten level shortly after he turns 4. I don't want to rush him, but I don't want him to get bored either. I'm just following his pace, which I guess is probably the best thing. We're also starting a unit on Dinosaurs. We were at The Dollar Store tonight and picked up a few plastic dinos. He wanted to find out more about them before he went to bed, so we were able to look up a just a few to satisfy his curiosity until morning. His favorites are the T-Rex (of course!) the Maiasaura, the Ankylosaurus and the little(!!) Troodon. He's still into Constellations too, and it's funny to hear him talking about Polaris and satellites and orbits and stuff.

Our Christmas tree is coming down tomorrow. I know, I still have it up. It's so pretty though, even if Lilly has decided that she must help by removing an ornament or three every day by batting it off the lower branches then trotting through the house with it in her mouth. A lot of people tear their trees down a day or two after Christmas is over, but I actually enjoy the tree more after the craziness of the holidays are over. It seems peaceful somehow. We decorated our tree with white lights and star shaped ornaments on Winter Solstice in the spirit of celebrating the return of light and lengthening of days, and welcomed the new solar year with reflections on the year that had passed and wishes for the new year to come. Tomorrow we'll put our Christmas tree in amongst the other trees behind our house to provide additional shelter for some of the little woodland critters - should we ever get some snow! Happy New Year everyone! Here's to another spin around the sun!!

Back On Line!

Merry Christmas! Hapy New Year! I've missed the internet soooo much! My brother-in-law fixed our modem problems today and we are now officially back on line! Hooray!! Thanks Reg!!

So much has happened since my last post in September. In October Levi went to Alberta to work for a few months. He has work here, but nothing in the construction industry is written in stone these days. He had a chance to make some really good money out there, so after many nights of endless discussion we decided that a sacrifice of a few months would be of long term benefit to our little family. It's been hard, to say the least. There have been the usual good and bad days - days when I've felt like completely giving up and calling it quits, and days when I was just contentedly buzzing along in the new daily routine that we've created. We talk on the phone every night and text message several times throughout the day, so that helps tremendously. Still, I miss him and miss having someone to lean on when things get insane around here.

In November Terran became a teenager, Levi turned 27, and I tested my seamstress skills and made an old fashioned dress (think Little House on the Prarie!) for Madeline's play. We also said goodbye to our beloved dog Daisy. She had a tumor and was not going to be well again. We made the difficult decision to have her put down. She is misssed and fondly remembered.

December was in a class all its own. Between trying to get some Christmas shopping done, having the van break down several times, a drunk neighbour stopping by occasionally, hurtful rumors about why Levi is away and what I'm supposedly doing with my free time (??) since he's been away, missing Levi terribly, Horseback riding lessons on Monday evenings, Cadets on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and play rehearsals on Friday evenings, Saturdays and eventually Sundays, I had a bit of a meltdown. Nothing serious, I just stalled. Ran out of gas. Ka-put. Nothing. I woke up one morning and had no desire to do anything for anyone anymore. Levi's mom and I bought a Christmas tree on the 18th. It sat, undecorated, until the 21st. I finally dragged the decorations out of the attic and the kids and I went at it, making the house feel Christmasy at least. But I felt guilty, as if I was robbing the kids of any pre-Christmas excitement. They didn't seem to notice, they had their sights set on the day Levi would return and the Big Jolly Guy would leave loot under the tree - Christmas Eve.

Levi surprised all of us by coming home a day earlier than expected for Christmas. That, for sure, was the best present I could have ever asked for! He arrived home on the 23rd and I dropped him off at the airport very early this morning. He was only here a few short days, but we squeezed every last second out of the time that we had together. Hopefully he'll be home for good by the end of March. The kids and I had a great Christmas with Levi here, and everything was finally set right again. My thoughts became clearer and things were put into perspective once again. The sacrifice he is making is far greater than what I am making, he is the one who is over three thousand kilometers away from his loved ones. I have the kids to hug when I feel lonely, the familliar surroundings of home to soothe me, and I get to witness the joys of parenthood first hand while he has to re-live them through my tellings. I am so proud of him for everything he is willing to do for our family. His strength of character and selfless love for his family are just a few of the many things I love about him, and that is what makes all this worthwhile.

How I Spent My Summer

Remember me? Long lost blogger here, checking in just to let you all know that I survived the summer and all it had to offer. The modem on my computer is fried. I can't connect to the internet!! I can't read blogs! I can't write e-mails or even read the ones that get sent to me! I can't Google! So I finally stole some time away from home and I'm using the computer at my husband's shop.

Well, let's recap the summer shall we? When was the last entry? Almost two months ago?! Really? Huh.

In July, we spent a great deal of time at the beach. Practically lived there. We came home to make supper, shower, sleep and then back at it the next day. *sigh* It was rough. Terran was at Cadet Summer Training Camp for two weeks. He had a great time, made tons of cool friends and must have grown two feet in the two weeks he was gone. I missed him terribly, and was shocked to see a young man waiting for me when I went to pick him up.

August brought horse shows on the weekend, Old Home Week, a trip to Nova Scotia, Horseback Riding lessons for Madeline, and surgery. I had to have surgery on my knee cap, it was scoped and then the bones shaved and re-shaped, and torn cartilige removed. Yeah, ouch. This was almost three weeks ago now, and I still have a bit of a limp, but it gets a bit better every day. Unless someone kicks it. Or punches it. Or grabs it. That seems to happen a lot. Connor seems to be just the right height...

September brought a court date with The Ex. I served him with papers a month before the date, hoping he would attempt to settle out of court. He thought he would be a snake and have me served the Friday afternoon of a long weekend, (with our appearance being on Tuesday) making all sorts of unreasonable demands and untrue claims. I was pissed, but that's another story for another time. The end result is that we didn't have to go to court, he agreed to my terms last minute (that morning), and I have the smug pleasure of realizing that while his arguements were about him and what he wants, mine were about my daughter and her best intrest. After years of him making me feel like the dirt under his shoe, I walked away finally feeling like the Better Person.

I hope he realizes that all his lip flapping and threats about "I'll make sure that you never get anything" and "with the help of some good money" his "best lawyer there is" all pale in comparison to honesty and the best intrest of my daughter. That's it. No desire to screw him over. No selfish motive to see how far I can go, just because I can. My one and only driving force was Madeline's happiness. Karma, baby. Try to do right by the universe, and the universe will reward you. One day he will realize that money isn't what makes you a better person. He proved that one a hundred times over. On the day he realizes that, I hope his heart breaks into a million pieces at the thought of what he could have had, and what he threw away. That is something all his money won't ever be able to fix, and that is where my satisfaction lies.

Sleepless

"Pssst!! You awake?? I can't sleep!"

It's almost 5am and I'm awake again, reading blogs and finally attempting some of my own writing. I've been awake since 2:30am. Last night (or was it yesterday morning?) it was from about 3:30am until sometime after 5:30. The night before that, it was about the same. Noticing a pattern? It's been like this for about two weeks now. One morning I was frosting Brownies at 3am. This morning, after tidying up the bathroom at 4am, I'm here on the computer...

What is Up with that? Connor is sleeping all night, the other two kids sleep like logs, and Levi hasn't even been snoring lately, even though he's been putting in some long exhausting 14 hour days. I don't drink coffee or anything with caffeine, I don't eat a lot of sugary stuff before bed (or in general for that matter), and things are going pretty good on the homefront. My laundry has been caught up every day for a week and the house is actually staying pretty clean. I'm not sleeping my afternoons away, though by mid-afternoon I'm totally wiped from going on only a couple hours sleep. It's not too hot for sleeping, my bed is as cozy as ever, so I'm at a loss for an explanation.

I've tried herbal tea. I've tried visual relaxation. I've tried going to bed early. I've tried going to bed late. I get lots of fresh air and sunshine during the day. I'm active. I haven't watched TV before bed. I've tried writing down a list of things that might be bothering me. (I could only come up with three things, and they are all minor, this insomnia being one of them.) I can fall asleep, I just can't seem to stay asleep. Please help, dear readers! I need some suggestions!! I really don't want to resort to sleeping pills! What works for you when you can't sleep?

So since I can't sleep, I'll spill to you about what has been going on lately.

*We had our Field Trip to Orwell Corner last Friday. It was such a great time! I wrote about it and Blogger ate most of it when I tried to save it, so I have to try and re-write what was lost. I hope to have it posted some time this weekend.

*The kids have officially finished school. Tuesday was their last day, and they both passed. Madeline, who has been doing well all year, is now promoted to Grade 4. Terran, who's marks were um... shall we just say not great last term? He really made a tremendous effort and pulled his marks way up. I'm so proud of him, he worked hard last term and is now promoted to Grade 8.

*Connor is Officially Potty Trained!! He's been wearing "Big Kid Underwear" (Gerber cotton training pants, no plastic thankyouverymuch!) and hasn't needed a diaper at all! I still put one on him at Nap and Bedtime, but he always wakes up dry. He is very good at telling me when he needs to use the bathroom and even on our Field Trip (with all the excitement) he let me know and we would go to the bathroom, no accidents. Whoo Hoo!!

*Madeline left Wednesday to visit with her Grandparents and Auntie, who live about an hour and a half from here. She loves visiting them. I was talking with her last night before she went to bed, and she was just getting home from Bingo. She won $25.00! (I know, it's funny as hell!) She's also been to the beach. She informs me that she wants to stay for two weeks. Her vacation is off to a great start!

*Terran is sleeping out in the tent with two of his buddies. He's having his Annual Summer Vacation Kick-Off Party. (Two of the other boys couldn't make it.) They took his TV, DVD player and XBox or whatever it is out there along with a bunch of candy. They were playing Flashlight Tag around 11:30 or so, so I guess it still counts as camping out. It's 5:25 am now, so it's safe to assume that they fell asleep out there. Last year they were all back in the house by 2 am. He's going to be leaving me for a couple of days as well, he was invited to spend a few days with his friend at Brackley Beach.

*Levi's sister and her husband are coming home from New Brunswick tonight. Connor is pretty excited about it, and we haven't seen them since April. We're not sure what our plans are for Canada Day yet, but I'm sure we'll do something fun. Usually we go to Rustico on our friend's boat, spend the day there enjoying the festivities, and watch the fireworks. I'm not sure if we'll do that this year or not, we have a few other invites too. I'll leave you with one of my favorite images from two years ago as we sailed to Rustico on Canada Day. Looking at this makes me feel peaceful...


The sun is up over the horizon now and the birds have been serenading me for an hour, so I'm going to try and catch a few winks before my kitchen is filled with hungry boys once again. 'Night!

Mother's Day 2006

Happy Mother's Day!

Today I fell in love with my family all over again and was reminded why I cherish this "unpaid" job of motherhood so much. I wish I had a camera so I could share all the pictures with you, but all I have are the special little moments from today that I've imprinted into my memory. Ready?

* This morning, Connor sat on the big bed and casually chatted with me about his brother and sister. He affectionately refers to them as his "kids." Today he was wondering "When are my kids going to wake up?" and informed me that "My kids are growing so much. Terran is big enough..."

* Madeline used her creativity yet again and wowed us with a wonderful fruit tray of apples, banana and melon with yogurt in the middle for dipping. Her gift to me was a beautiful handmade card and a bookmark with pressed flowers on it. The little poem on the bookmark almost made me cry, and the part of her card where she had scrawled in her best handwriting that I was her best friend actually did.

* Terran put the kettle on for me this morning to make a mug of Lemon Echinacea tea, because I have a cold, and with it a nasty sore throat. He also pleasantly surprised me with a rare display of public affection (in front of our neighbor), in which he wrapped both arms around me for the best Terran hug I've had in a long time.

* Levi created a beautiful breakfast of hemp granola, almonds, rasins, and raspberries layered on top of plain yogurt and served it to me in a large wine goblet. He (I mean the kids) also thrilled me with a gift card to one of my favorite stores and the new Oprah magazine.

* When I was in the bathroom this morning, Connor was pounding on the door yelling "Happy Mother's Day!". I opened the door to a dirty faced, beaming three year old thrusting a chubby fistfull of dandelions at me. "Happy Mother's Day Mama!" I scooped him up in my arms and hugged him, breathed in the earthy smell of him and tried not to weep.

* We went fishing this morning, and at one point, Levi and the three kids were all lined up against the bridge rail, silently looking over the edge into the water below, holding their fishing poles and waiting. It was like something in a painting. What struck me in that moment was the sheer beauty of it all, the warmth of the sun and the angle at which it shone on their faces, the sounds of the birds, and the unexpected stillness of everyone. I held my breath for fear of breaking the spell, and drank in the sight of my family, the entire time feeling as if my heart would burst with love for them.

* A little later, Levi came up from the brook with Connor under one arm, and laughed "He fell in." In an instant, Connor was in front of me with one leg soaked to the hip while Levi pulled off his little rain boot and dumped out a bunch of water. It was so insanely comical, I half expected to see a little fish flopping around on the ground.

* After a trip to Summerside in which the main purpose was to return a Max & Ruby DVD to the video store, we returned home with our bellies full of Burger King's finest and Max & Ruby still sitting on the floor of the van. This was our second attempt to return it...

* Levi and the kids were playing soccer for a bit in the back yard while I laid on a blanket on the grass and read my new Fitness magazine. Levi came over to join me, then Connor wanted a snuggle with "Mama and Daddy" so we amused ourselves by listening to the conversation/arguement between Terran and Madeline, who were at this point scaling the sides of the swing set and grabbing onto the swing ropes in an attempt to "Tarzan" their way across. Levi and I both looked at each other with confusion, chuckled, and shook our heads. Neither one of us "gets" them.

* Connor was dancing in the kitchen as I was writing this, and declared, "I'm dancin' my arse hole off!" I'm still giggling, even though this sort of talk is completely inappropriate and I have no idea where he would hear something like that.

* Levi has steak on the BBQ. And mushrooms and onions. 'Nuff said...


Perhaps the best gift this year for Mother's Day is realizing how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful family, and knowing that they love me as much as I love them.

Birthdays and Other Business

Happy Birthday to Connor!! And to Blog! I've been really lax about blogging lately...Connor, who was doing so well this winter in terms of illnesses (hasn't been sick since September compared to every 2 weeks last winter!) came down with a particularly nasty bout of Pneumonia and had quite an ordeal with it. He was sick for his third birthday (March 17), so we really didn't have any sort of celebration at all. He did get his new car seat and some cool clothes, as well as some Hot Wheels and a foam bat and balls. So, regardless of his sickness, he still smiled and attempted to play on his birthday. He is on the road to recovery now, although he is still extremely pale, tires very easily, and still has quite a cough. He has to go back to the Dr. next Tuesday for another check-up, but he is sounding better every day.

And it's been a whole year since I started my blog! I hope to be able to post more frequently in the coming year. I realize that I will probably never be one of these incredible writers who posts every day and always has something inspiring or humorous or wise to write about, but I do want to try and post at least once a week.

What a year it's been! This time last year, the kids were just going back to school from March Break, we had our first ever (and fun!) candy- free Easter, and I was just newly engaged. Connor was constantly sick, we were figuring out the dairy/wheat/sugar allergy thing and it's relation to his constant sickness. I was going to be entering a new (grown-up) phase in my life (Thirty) and wasn't sure how I felt about it. Madeline was turning eight, Terran was turning twelve, Connor had just entered the "terrible two's", which turned out to be not so terrible. Okay, so he had his moments, but still... My parents came to visit from Newfoundland, the wedding and honeymoon happened in the blink of an eye, and life began to settle in to a new "normal", or so I thought. Terran started junior high and joined Army Cadets, Madeline began to "develop" both socially and physically, and Connor began to turn into a real little person, with demands and opinions and chattery conversation. And a sense of humor! What a funny little guy he's becoming! Our dog doesn't puke nearly as much as she did last year, but she still does it occasionally, and our new cat Toby is a fun and crazy addition to our family.

There have been quite a few rough patches along this stretch of road, and I guess that happens in life too. There have been some pretty sad times over the past year, some "holding-your-breath-and-waiting" days too. It gets hard sometimes to keep everything in perspective, but it helps to try and keep on the positive side of things. I've realized that there are a ton of people there to support and encourage when things aren't going so well, and those same people are there to help celebrate the good times too. No matter what lies ahead this year, I know that I will continue to appreciate the love and caring of the people that surround me. I will try to take the best part of every day and hold it close to me, cherish the sweetness of my kids kisses and savor their warm hugs. They are growing so fast, these babies of mine. Here's to another year of Chubby Hugs and Sticky Kisses!

Someone's Watching Over Me

I decided to write this post over the course of a couple of days, mainly because I wanted to see how I still felt the next morning about things.

Things around here have been tough, as many of you are aware. Three weeks ago we went to the doctor, this time for Levi, and received a diagnosis of depression. It could be a seasonal thing, it might not be. All I know is that for months, my husband has been slowly replaced by someone of a different nature. I'm hoping that with help from his medication and love and support from us, he will reappear as the man I fell in love with. I realize that this is nobodys fault, certainly not his, and that depression is still one of those things that a lot of people don't really like to talk about because of the stigma still attatched to it. Truth is, depression is another one of those things like diabetes or heart disease, you find out you have it and treat it. Anybody can end up with it. So I guess I'm writing about it because I need an outlet. The last few days have been extremely emotional for me.

I so desprately miss my husband. Once in a while I still see bits of the old Levi, but it's not very often. I feel like he's lost and that I'm waiting, holding my breath for him to come in through the door so we can pick up our life again. In the meantime, I try to maintain some sort of relationship with the person who is here, but it's hard for me. I mean, he still looks like Levi, and tells me that he loves me, but he's not the same person. I find it difficult carrying everything by myself, trying to always be "up" around him, and having nobody to discuss my problems with. It must be so hard for him too, and I'm sure he is missing our old relationship. I feel so sad about this, for him, for me, for all of us.

I am breaking off a friendship with a girl who is a nice person when she's sober, but she's also a girl who can't control her liquor. She likes her drinks on the weekend, and when we're anywhere (including my wedding) she can turn ugly in a hurry with a few drinks in her. Suddenly she thinks everyone is talking about her, looking at her weird, or wanting to fight with her. So she gives dirty looks to complete strangers who might just be looking at her, wondering who she is because she's a new face, or because she's a cute little blonde. It's a great way to offend people without even opening your mouth, or an even better way to get your face beat in. Especially when you're on someone else's turf and acting like that. I'm really sick of having people come up to me and ask what my friends problem is. Aside from the fact that it reflects badly on me because I brought her there in the first place, it scares the shit out of me. When a gang of six girls came up to my van wanting to "talk" before we left, I had to cover her ass once again, and spent a lot of time smoothing ruffled feathers. I do not fight. I have never been in a fight, and really think it's stupid. But my friend will fight, and she will say (and did say) as much. So I told her to shut up, and once again talked to these girls who she had offended, apologizing for her behavior, etc. I think if it wasn't for the fact that they knew who I was, and that they liked me the few times they had seen me before, it would've been an ugly scene. So that's enough of that bullshit for me. I don't need that to contaminate my life, so I'm cutting my losses and severing the friendship. She's a nice person when she's sober though, and I'm going to miss that. I just wanted to hear the band that was playing...

My sister, who is OK, had an accident yesterday with her truck. The roads have been hell lately, with all the freezing and thawing and refreezing. I still don't know exactly what happened, but she went off the road on her way to work, rolled her truck, and it's looking like it's a write off. Thank God she was wearing her seat belt. I am so relieved that she is unharmed. All this makes me realize, once again, how easy it is to take people for granted, especially the people closest to you.

In addition to all this, Levi gets laid off from work today, which is going to be a very hard thing for us emotionally and financially. I know that it will all work out, it always does, but I need to get from here to there with my family intact. There are days that I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and that I am standing in the dark, waiting, waiting, waiting. This would be easier if the old Levi was here. I miss him so much.

I was listening to Hilary Duff, and was touched by the words to one of her songs. It's from her movie "Raise Your Voice". It's about missing the person you love, having faith in yourself, and no matter how hard things seem sometimes, having the strength to get through it.

"Someone's Watching Over Me"
-Hilary Duff

"Found myself today... oh, I found myself and ran away.
Something pulled me back, voice of reason I forgot I had.
All I know is you're not here to say what you always used to say.
But it's written in the sky tonight.

So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

I've seen that ray of light, and its shining on my destiny,
Shining all the time, and I won't be afraid to follow everywhere its taking me.
All I know is yesterday is gone, and right now I belong
To this moment, to my dreams.

So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

It doesn't matter what people say, and it doesn't matter how long it takes,
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
It only matters how true you are,
Be true to yourself and follow your heart..."

New Addition! (Fur baby)

We have a new addition to our family!

Today I found a tiny kitten, apparently abandoned along the road. He's probably about 6 weeks old, seems to be in good health, and is quite affectionate. We're all smitten with him, and even Daisy isn't too offended by his presence. He's a fluffy orange/caramel stripey little guy with the sweetest little face, and we're looking for name suggestions. Got any good ones?

Life is Beautiful

Our friend has pulled through. Her recovery has begun, and though it will be difficult for her, we are hoping that with the proper help and guidance, love and support, she will be able to make herself whole again. All of us are thrilled that she is still with us.

The sun is shining today for the first time in many days. Today I will take Connor outside. We will smell the crisp fall air, hear the crunch of the leaves under our feet, and watch the geese fly overhead. We might discuss where they are going, these honking noisy creatures. We will collect brightly colored leaves. We will likely get sniffly noses and chilly hands, and we will laugh. I will drink in the sight of him playing in the leaves, imprinting it into my memory. I will be reminded once again that life is all about making memories and enjoying the innocence of childhood, whatever your age may be.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I'm finally married, honeymooned, and ready to start life as normal again. The wedding was great, the honeymoon was amazing (I've never eaten so much incredible food in my life!!) and I was able to visit with my best friend from high school and her new family while we were in Ontario. She and her husband have a 20 month old son, Cael, who is super cute and really smart. They also have a new addition, Iain, who was a month old on the day that we were visiting. They are such a beautiful family!! I am thankful for friends like Tanya, who even though she must have been exhausted with her newborn and busy toddler, opened her home to us and made us feel so welcome.

I am thankful for my children as well. They were missed while we were away, but I think the break was a great thing for us. I returned home feeling refreshed and ready to be a better parent than what I have been in the last distracting months leading up to the wedding. I've always felt that they are a huge part of who I am, and they help shape my personality. With a week of no parenting responsibilities, I was worried that I was a different person when childless. It seemed that for the first couple of days, I really had nothing to talk about, and actually felt lost and out of place in my own life. I realized that I have slowly been letting my own individuality slip away, and have been letting the role of mother completely take over. I was desperately in need of some rebalancing in that area...it's OK to love your kids so much it hurts, but you also have to take a bit of time to enjoy things completely unrelated to your kids also, and I haven't been doing that. I'm going to work on that one in the coming months.

Perhaps the things I am most thankful for are the gifts of life and love. Life certainly can have its hurdles, and love doesn't always behave like we wish it would. It is up to us to take what we do have, and create the kind of life we want for ourselves. We are the only ones responsible for the kind of life that we choose to live. Sometimes, the decisions that we make aren't always the right ones, but may seem like the right ones at the time.

This weekend, a very close family friend chose to give up on life. She is, at the time of writing this, in a coma and still clinging to life with the help of a ventilator. I don't pretend to understand the despair and overwhelming emotions she must have been feeling when resorting to such measures, nor am I naive enough to think that everything will be OK for her if she makes it through. Those feelings and decisions are hers and belong only to her.

What I do know is that she is loved, and life is waiting for her to find her way back.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day!

The first man I ever loved was my father. To a little girl, a Daddy is a Hero - someone brave who checks under the bed for the Boogey Man, someone strong enough to toss you into the air, someone who comforts and protects you when the thunder rolls overhead. My Dad was all those things and more. I was in awe of him, he was my Hero.

In my lifetime of thirty years, I have come to realize that my Dad is what all good fathers are. Beautifully human. He makes mistakes, but he is humble enough to admit when he's wrong. He loves unconditionally, even when he's been disappointed. He guides with his wisdom, but gives his children the space to make their own decisions. He feels joy when we are happy, his heart aches when we hurt, and his soul is troubled when we don't call.

It's only natural that I would love and choose to share my life with a man just as great. Levi is an amazing father. His generous spirit humbles me. I am in awe of his selfless attitude and his capacity to love all of my children as his own. I respect him for his motivation and uncomplaining work ethic. He is driven not by a paycheck, but by love for his family.

Everything he does, he does for us, without complaint. He helps with Math homework. He changes diapers. He mows the lawn and fixes plugged toilets. He reads stories. He does dishes. He checks closets for the Boogey Man. He happily embraces his role as a father.

My children are lucky. I am lucky. We love and are loved by incredible men who pride themselves not on what they are, but on who they are.
Fathers. Everyday heros. Beautifully human.

The Mountain Man

A few days ago, Levi and I were sitting at the table with Connor eating oatmeal. For lunch. That's right, lunch. Levi and I had done the "what do you want to eat, I'm not really hungry, but we should eat something," exchange, and came up with no options that were especially appealing. We decided that we would ask the wise two year old for his advice, and we were answered with a gleeful "Oatmeal!!" Levi and I looked at each other and shrugged. "Why not? As long as he'll eat it..." our glances said to one another.

Five minutes later we were seated at the table, the mid-day sun pouring in through the windows as we sat eating our lunch. Natural oatmeal with organic raisins in it, mixed with organic Rice Milk and sweetened just a bit by some pure Maple Syrup. Connor's choice for a great lunch. As we watched him happily digging in, I giggled and said, "At least it's healthy!" Levi grinned and asked, "How many kids would ask for oatmeal for lunch? I can see asking for Froot Loops... Has he ever had Froot Loops?" My spoon stopped in mid air and my mouth hung open. "No, " I said slowly, realizing he's never even seen a Froot Loop, "he never has."

Then I began to wonder about the whole "children are products of their environment" theory. Do healthy parents have healthy kids? By following sound nutrition principles, my children will hopefully be able to make healthy food choices for themselves. At the very least, they'll know what they should be eating. But where did all my thoughts on health and nutrition come from? Why is the "natural this and organic that" way of eating not as strange and foreign to me as it is to many other people? As I thought about the way I was raised, the pieces began to come together.

In addition to my mom making sure we ate all our veggies, everything we had on our plates had come from the garden, or from my grandparent's farm. Pretty healthy stuff. In fact, I hardly remember any of us being very sick when we were kids. One person in particular does stand out though, and not because he was around a whole lot, but because he was different.

When I was growing up, there was a friend of my fathers whom we affectionately referred to as "The Mountain Man." Much like the name suggests, this was no ordinary gentleman. He was a tall, gruff looking sort of man with a wild beard and dark eyes. Underneath the exterior, he was a gentle and kind soul. He was very smart, and always had the most interesting stories. I used to love going to his house, which was of course situated at the top of a hill. Inside it was warm and cozy, and always smelled good. Everything in the house looked hand made, every knick knack had a story. He had tons of books, on the floor in stacks, on shelves that went from the floor to the ceiling. He had food that I had never even heard of before. He wore a fur hat with ear flaps!!! Although he looked scary and intimidating (to a child, anyhow!) I thought he was the coolest.

It was with his guidance that my father began to instill in us the benefits of healthful eating. We had always eaten healthy, this was just a different way. We had a granola mix that I used to love to eat for breakfast. Natural vitamins were used to help clear up the beginnings of my teenage acne. Somehow along the way, all these things stayed with me. I prefer naturopathic remedies over traditional medicine. I prefer to feed my children foods that haven't been treated with chemicals. There's many different ways to do things right. My way isn't the only right way to do things, but it's the way that feels right for me.

All of this is just to say, that, yes, I truly do believe we are products of our environment. Children live what they learn from their parents. As if that's not enough incentive to be our best selves, I think there is more to it than that. Everyone we meet, no matter how briefly, has the ability to create an impression on us. We may never know the impression we make on our friend's children, our children's friends, or anybody else.

If I could talk to the Mountain Man today, I would ask him how he came to be the person he is. Then I'd settle in with a steaming mug of Chai tea. I'll bet it's an interesting story.

Love Nest

Over the past week, my family and I have been able to view nature at it's most wondrous. A pair of robins have decided to build their nest under the eaves of our front verandah, and we are fortunate enough to have front row seats.

I first noticed something was going on when I discovered a robin perched on the beams under the roof of our verandah. He was later joined by his mate. Throughout the day, I noticed that they made several trips from the eaves to get mud, straw and twigs. (Robins can actually make up to 180 trips a day when building their nest!) We all speculated on whether or not they were actually going to build a nest there, until one afternoon we peeked out the window and saw a very defined, very sturdy looking nest snuggled in the space in our eaves. Looks like our new neighbours are settling in quite nicely, and are getting ready for the arrival of their babies.

Inside the house, things are much the same. I make about 180 trips a day to the soccer field, the grocery store, the school, the doctor, the pharmacy, and various other places I need to be. There are days when I feel like my house is all askew, and I need to put things in order again.

Probably the best feeling though, is the one at the end of the day. You know the one...after the ball games and soccer practices, after all the kids are in bed, the toys are away, the kitchen is clean, and the laundry is caught up (almost). That's the time when Levi and I collapse on the sofa, rest our heads on one another and talk. Sometimes it's about the kids. Sometimes it's about the wedding. Other times it's about bills, our future together, or simply how our day was. Whatever it is we talk about, we both feel appreciative of everything that the other has done for our family.

Life with three young kids isn't always easy for a young couple, but we're making it work. Respect and appreciation is the mud that holds our little "love nest" together. It's softened with the warmth and comfort of hugs and kisses, and strengthened by love.

Thicker Than Water?

We've all heard the expression "Blood is thicker than water." So what do you do when the blood is so thin that even water seems thicker? In my case, nothing. Try not to say anything, for fear of setting off a barrel full of ammunition. That is, until today.

With this post, I'm sure to piss off at least half of my family, but I am prepared to deal with it. After all, I am taking something "private" and making it public. Everything I say here, I mean with no disrespect. My intention is not to be hurtful, as I'm sure I have unknowingly offended them at times. I will not name names, nor will I try to humiliate or hit below the belt.

Some dinners with my family are less than a treat for me. There are often negative remarks made about someone, rude tasteless jokes told at another's expense, and often complete disregard for another's feelings.
But how far is too far? And when you speak up to draw the boundaries, should you expect to get your feelings dismissed, or worse... more of the same for being "too sensitive?"

On Sunday, I was basically snubbed by one sibling. I was informed by another that, because I wouldn't allow my kids to eat foods that they were allergic to, I was "psychotic." I instantly got defensive and tried to explain that I'm not going to give them food that's going to fill them up so much that they're puking all night. My explanation about the allergies was impatiently shushed by another. My past relationships were brought up in the hurtful form of a joke that I had "frequent flyer miles" at the Wedding Place. This was done in front of my future husband, who was also made to feel uncomfortable by this.

I was grateful when another of my siblings, who had remained silent throught all this, tried to alleviate some tension. This was done by voicing an understanding about the food allergies, and shrugging about the relationship thing by saying "We're all going to hell anyways, so we might as well enjoy life."

I came away from dinner that night feeling badly about myself, questioning my parenting, and my place in the family. I wondered if I had said anything to anyone that might have been taken the wrong way.
I felt that I was treated unfairly, and that some pretty low shots were taken.

It's unfortunate that misunderstandings and hurt feelings have to happen within a family of adults. What's even more unfortunate is that many of us will just add these misgivings to our pile of ammunition, ready to use at the next family gathering.

The Visitor

There are some things in this life that we just naturally take for granted, like good health, digestion, and really soft toilet paper. You guessed it, the flu is visiting our house this week, and everyone is miserable, has been miserable, or is about to be miserable.
It all started with Connor, who, after a night of restless sleep, suddenly sat up in bed and decorated my night shirt with supper. The poor little guy had no idea what was happening, only that he felt awful and had somehow made a mess of the bed. As Levi and I were "cheerfully" cleaning everything (and everyone) up, Connor started saying sleepily, "sorry mom... Sorry". I was heartbroken! We were trying so hard to console him and make him feel better, and his little two year old mind was concerned that he had offended me! After we had changed the sheets on the bed and Connor had settled into sleep again, his fuzzy head nestled under my chin, I lay awake wondering if we were about to enter the Twilight Zone.
Things were fine Friday and Saturday. "Maybe it was just something he ate." Levi and I lied to each other, knowing that we were about to be hit with the flu.
Did it ever hit.
I was the next victim, spending Saturday night/Sunday morning in the bathroom, first in denial (maybe it was the cake I ate before bed...), and then in desperation ( please, God, make it stop, I promise I won't eat cake anymore!) and then finally acceptance ( I have the flu. How did we get the flu? Why do we always get the flu? I HATE the flu!) Needless to say, I was VERY glad that I had bought the Super-Mega-Jumbo size rolls of Charmin toilet Paper. I had gone through half a roll already! The torture continued until sometime early Monday morning, when I awoke feeling as if I was an 80 year old woman made of glass, with an iron belt still cinched around her middle. I learned that Connor had his share of diaper changes Sunday as well, and that Levi was handling everything and all the kids like a pro. What a guy!
Well, today is Tuesday, and Levi came home from work today at 11am. So far, he hasn't been too bad, mainly in that "waiting to puke purgatory" that we all hate so much. I went out yesterday and bought Pepto-Bismol and Immodium, so he will hopefully benefit from some of that. Connor and I are feeling close to normal again, and hopefully Terran and Madeline will be forgotten by this nasty visitor.
In the meantime, I'm taking it easy, and appreciating the little things. The great hubby-to-be, the fact that things could always be worse, and I'm REALLY appreciating the super-big, super-soft rolls of toilet paper!!

Here we go!

Hi there! Welcome to a little piece of my world. I've named it after some of my favorite things: the hugs and kisses I get from my kids. You know the kind... the sticky kisses that you get after your two year old has been drooling on a sucker for the last half hour... the hugs with the chubby little arms wrapped around your neck, sometimes cutting off your air supply... those kind. This blog isn't going to be entirely about my kids, it will mostly be my ponderings, rants, and just, well... the stuff that is going on in the life of a mom with three kids and a dog that pukes a lot. Seriously. Like everyday. But anyways, here it is, and I hope that you enjoy.