Baby Forever

Remember the day when we sat on the front deck, you and I? Remember how we kicked off our sandals and let the cool breeze tickle our bare feet?

Remember how we spun around in the hammock swing until we were both dizzy and breathless, giggling at how the world around us was twirling so fast even after we had stopped?

"Take a picture Mamma!" you squealed with delight, "take a picture of us being dizzy together!"

That was when you told me you would be my Baby Forever, and that you didn't want to grow up because you loved me so, and that growing up eventually meant that you would have to leave me to spin in the swing all by myself.

I reassured you that some day soon you would want to grow up, that being a Baby Forever wasn't as much fun as being a Bigger Kid. Being a Bigger Kid meant that you got to do cool things, like riding a bike without training wheels or going to the mailbox by yourself, or going to the movies with your friends.

"If you were a Baby Forever, you couldn't do all those things that a Bigger Kid gets to do" I gently reminded you.

"Like going to school?" you hesitated, placing your little hands on my cheeks and staring into my eyes, the way you always do when you are very serious about something.

"Yes," I replied "like going to school. Your brother and sister are Bigger Kids, and they go to school."

Your eyes clouded with determination and you patted my face. "Well, you don't have to worry Mamma. I'll be your Baby Forever and I will stay with you so you won't be lonely. I think that I would miss you if I went to school."

My heart cracked open a little bit, and I had to swallow hard so you wouldn't hear the tears in my voice. "Oh My Sweet Boy," I whispered into your hair as you nestled your head into my neck, "you know that no matter how old you get, or wherever you go, you will always be my Baby Forever."

As the seasons changed and the years passed, I believed that you would be my Baby Forever. We spent our days reading and giggling, playing and snuggling as we wove an invisible nest of closeness and security around ourselves. It was a strong and cozy nest, and we were happy in it for a long time.

Sometimes though, even the strongest of nests are not always strong enough when the Winds of Change start to blow.

"Mamma, I miss playing with friends" you would now start to lament. Things that we used to do together didn't make you as happy as they once did. The soft and familliar nest that we shared together for five years was getting too small for you, and you were yearning to stretch your wings.

One day, you came to me with a troubled heart, and your chin quivered when I asked you what the matter was.

"I sometimes think that I would want to go to school, but then I feel sad because who would snuggle you?"

I took in the expression on your worried little face and realized that the time had come to let go. I smiled at you and pulled you onto my lap. "You would, My Sweet Boy! I think that if you went to school, then you might be happier. If you are happy, then Mamma is happy too. School is only for a little while during the day, and we would still have all the rest of the day to snuggle!"

You studied my eyes, tiny hands gently resting on my cheeks again for a few minutes before answering "I think I would feel proud if I went to school."

"Then you will go to school, and I will be proud too." I spoke into your hair as I hugged you close to me.

"But Mamma?" you squeezed tighter, "I'll still be your Baby Forever won't I? Even if I get big and go to school?"

With my heart in my throat, I kissed the top of your head, "Yes my love, you will always be my Baby Forever."

Letting Go

I thought I've had a pretty good handle on things that have been going on lately in my life. Boy, was I wrong! Today I feel completely incapable of dealing with a minor thing, and I'm wondering how the hell I can get through the big stuff, when something little sets me into a crying jag... Where to begin? How about the events of the summer?

In the last three months, I:

* made the difficult decision to return to work outside the home.
* started a new job I wasn't really crazy about.
* sent my thirteen year old to Army Cadet Camp in New Brunswick for six weeks.
* found out I need to have a hysterectomy.
* quit new job.
* had to let my ex have my ten year old daughter for the month of July. He involved his lawyer.
* visited my parents and grandparents in Nova Scotia. (they're not all bad things!)
* did not receive child support payment. Had to deal with ex again.
* returned to Nova Scotia for my grandfather's funeral.
* had to deal with ex again, this time about buying school supplies. Involved his lawyer again.
* drove my four year old to his first day of school (Montessori- he loves it)
*watched the bus take my daughter to grade five and my son to his last year of Jr. High.
* started new job that I absolutely LOVE!
* took daughter to Dr., saw a teacher there, discovered daughter has Ringworm but is OK to be at school.
* dealt with teacher questioning daughter on reason for Dr. visit, making daughter tell other teacher, which made daughter feel humiliated and embarrased.

OK. I dealt with all the above and the things that surround them. I cried, I bitched, I did whatever I needed to do to help me cope, and I dealt with them all and got on to the next thing. EXCEPT this one:

* was informed by husband today that we were giving Connor's jogging stroller to someone TOMORROW.

Compared to everything on the list, this is SO minor. Not even a blip on the radar. But I haven't been able to stop the feelings of sadness that are crashing over me and I'm not sure why I'm feeling as if my husband is asking me to give away a part of myself. I mean, it's a STROLLER!! I haven't used it since May because of work and the heat of the summer. I should be happy to get rid of it, right? Free up some space? I got rid of the crib and some other baby stuff - why not the stroller?

I'm trying to sort through all this in my head. Is it about the actual stroller or that One Last Thing, the proverbial "Straw"? The fact that two months ago he told this girl she could have it before he spoke to me about it first? The fact that he first mentioned it to me IN FRONT OF HER later that day?
Is it the fact that I told him later that I felt he put me on the spot and I wasn't ready to part with it, that I still do use it for the long walks? Or is it because it is the very first thing we bought for our son when he was two months old, that it was a birthday present to me?
Is it because I have four years of memories of Connor in that stroller, and because it can hold kids up to 60lb, I thought I would have it longer?
Am I upset because I thought that two months ago he was going to set things right, explain that he spoke before he discussed it with me and that I wasn't all right with giving it up just yet? Or am I upset because he hasn't done this, and he cannot figure out WHY I'm upset about it, so now I'm feeling as if he's heard my words but hasn't listened to my heart.

I'm upset about all of these. I wasn't ready. I'm NOT ready. I still planned to use it. I love going for long walks with Connor on crisp fall days. I'm truly in a tailspin. After all I had to face this summer, I never thought that something like a stroller could set me into such a state. As I was leaving the house to come write this, he was in the kitchen getting it cleaned up a little. I couldn't talk to him as I was leaving, and he couldn't understand.

Once I got here, and sat for a minute, I realized that it IS more than just a stroller. It is my solace. Had the day been nice today, I would've put Connor in the stroller and walked. I walk to calm my mind. I walked to ease my depression in the early days of new motherhood. I walked with Connor to hear first his excited babbles, later to lull him to sleep, and now to enjoy his budding curiosity, his questions and comments of the world we pass by. I have always felt that I would pass it on when I no longer feel a need for it, and to someone who I am close to. It has meaning to me, and even though it may seem silly, it does hold a tremendous amount of sentimental value. His crib? Given to us. Connor slept with us 90% of the time anyways. Maybe that's why I could part with it without a second thought. But this damn stroller... I know it's only a stroller and not my actual child, but still...
Is it normal to feel this way about an object? Is this just the icing on the cake of a mostly miserable summer? I know that I've had a lot of stuff going on in the last three months, a lot of big changes. Is it a Mom Thing to not want to part with the baby things until you're ready? Is this my wake-up call, that I haven't dealt with things at all if I can't cope with this? Should I talk to my doctor? Should I just suck it up and deal with this too? Let's hear your thoughts...

Over-reaction?

Connor and I were at Burger Thing with my mother, my sister and her friend (both 16). It was 1pm on a Thursday. The place was pretty much empty. Besides us, there was another little family - a mother, her infant son and four year old daughter. There were also four rowdy teenagers, three girls and a boy, probably all around the age of 15 or 16. Before I go any further, please don't think that I discriminate against teenagers because of the way they look or act. My son is a teen now, and I would hate to think that someone doesn't like or trust him just because he is male, of a certain age, noisy, and might dress differently. I prefer to think all kids are good kids until they prove otherwise.

Connor decided he had to use the bathroom. I took him by the hand and walked in to the ladies washroom. There inside were the three teenage girls, AND the boy. IN THE LADIES WASHROOM!!! He was trying to "hide" by turning his back towards me, two of the girls were nervously giggling, the other was glaring at me with a cold look, almost challenging me to say something to her.

I looked at the guy and said "You know this is a GIRLS bathroom right?"

"Yeah." he says, snickering.

"Ok then - Buh-bye!" I hold the door open for him to leave.

"They made me come in here" he laughs, almost embarassed as he walked toward the door.

The other girl continues to stare at me cooly.

"You can't think for yourself?" I'm shocked to hear myself say this to him.

My three year old son is right there with me, after all. And this teenager is not my son, this is another woman's child. Would she be pissed at me for speaking sharply to her son like that? How dare I speak to him like that? - I'm a stranger to him. Would she be mortified at her son's behavior like I would be if it was my oldest and tell him that he's lucky "that lady" only told him to leave? And that I thought I taught him about being true to himself and about not giving in to peer pressure?

They all file out of the washroom and not another word is said. Connor does his thing, we wash our hands, and go back out into the restaurant. The teenagers have left.

This incident itself was harmless enough. I think the boy's pride was the only thing that was hurt. We live in a small place, and even the "city" is fairly small, where most people know who you are or who your family is. That in itself is the dangerous part. It sets us up for a false sense of security.

My nine year old daughter likes to be independent. She gets offended when she needs me to escort her to the bathroom in a public place. I refuse to let her go to a public washroom alone. She's never alone in public, for that matter. My thirteen year old son knows that I will wait by the door of a public washroom that he is in. He usually goes before we leave the house to avoid this "embarassment". I'm just not ready to put them in a situation that they may not be able to get out of. Does this make me overprotective?

We hear too many stories on the news about horrible things happening to children. But isn't that how these stories get on the news? We feel safe enough, comfortable enough at one o'clock on a Thursday afternoon at a "family restaurant" to let our children run to the bathroom unattended?

My children are the most precious things in the world to me. Of course I want to protect them to the best of my ability. But am I going too far? I know nothing happened. I know that those kids are probably harmless, they're likely adored by their parents and generally good kids. They were just fooling around and being kids. Maybe I am too overprotective, but I don't want to take that chance that whoever is in there with my kids aren't "just kids being kids."

It's not even the fact that it was teenagers, or even a teenage boy for that matter. What shook me the most was how easy it is for Something Horrible to happen to a child. I'm trying to teach my children about peer pressure, doing the right thing, and how to be careful (read Not Scared) of "strangers". After all, friends used to be "strangers" at one point. But how can I convince them of this when all I can think of when something like this happens is "I saw on the news last night about a little girl..."?

A Day in Numbers

4: number of hours of sleep I had last night. Note to self: chocolate before bed? Not so good.

3: the number of zits I woke up with this morning. Note to self: chasing chocolate before bed with 2 huge glasses of cow's milk is also a very bad idea. BAD.

1: number of times Connor compared my new horns to that of a Triceratops.

4: number of times I looked in the mirror and was reminded why I don't do the dairy thing.

3: number of times I got growled at by one of my kids for calling him by the other kid's name.

2: number of times I spoke to Levi on the phone today!

3: number of times I lost the cordless phone, my cell phone or my apple(?!) in all the chaos of the day's activities.

3: number of times my heart cracked open a little bit today because of something one of the kids said about how much they miss Levi. (or the Christmas Tree...post for another day!)

1: number of times I cried today. (getting better!!)

131,426: number of times I thought about Levi and missed him. (roughly)

17,837: number of needles that fell on the floor when taking the decorations off the tree today.

23,674: number of needles that fell on the floor as I dragged the tree outside.

2: number of needles left on the tree.

7: number of hours spent sorting through books in computer/exercise room. Not only are they now sorted, they are also shelved and categorized by theme,subject and um... in descending height...(I know, I need to get out more)

324: number of books I put on the new shelves for the kids. (I wasn't kidding when I said they had hundreds of books!!)

53: number of books we are donating to the library or hospital because we have doubles or have "moved on" since getting those books.

58: number of books I have to toss out because of damage from dampness (long story, we're not gonna go there tonight), crayons, teeth(??), torn covers, age or other.

435: total number of books I have in the same room with me right now, and I'm a bit giddy knowing that this number does not include any of the books on the "grown up" bookshelf in the sitting room (there's lots there!!), nor does it include any of the books or magazines the kids or I have in our rooms or closets!! (Nerd much?)

6: number of hours of sleep I will get before Connor comes tearing into my bedroom with his Diego pillow/doll thingie and Lion Keekee (sookie blanket) flying behind him if I go to sleep right now!

SIXTEEN: number of years ago I attended the birth of my little sister and earned bragging rights as The Very First One To Hold Her. She was a beautiful baby and has blossomed into a stunning, intelligent young lady. I'm so proud of her for who she is and who she will become! Happy Sweet Sixteenth Kayla! I Love you!

The Post Where I Blather On...

It's a rainy Saturday night here at my house. It's 11 degrees above zero. And there was LIGHTNING!!! Did Mother Nature forget that it's January in Atlantic Canada?!? Where is all the snow and stuff that makes winter so fun?? Most people would be telling me that rain is easier to deal with than snow - no shovelling. Maybe at their house. Here, not so much. I'd take snow over rain any day. Snow is pretty and makes the ground look clean and bright. A marshmallow world - you can play in it and not get covered in mud. And when it snows, my basement and back porch doesn't leak.

"Ahhh..." you might say with complete understanding. See - I haven't lost my mind- I'm just tired of mopping up leaks off the floor and wearing rubber boots to put wood in the furnace! "Wait - what?" you might ask, "Furnace? Isn't it 11 degrees?" Um, yeah... but it's damp and there is water all over the basement... so I have a fire going and it's just a wee bit warm in here. Normally I like it warm in the house. I'm One Of Those People who like to crank the heat then walk around in my tank top, boxers and fuzzy slippers. Not tonight though. Terran and I were putting together two shelving units for some of the hundreds of books we seem to have everywhere.

Ever try to assemble anything with a thirteen year old who's been up all night playing video games with his buddy? Or with the mother who was up all night trying not to hear the thirteen year old who was up all night playing video games with his buddy? I'm sure to an outsider it was probably not the best way to spend a Saturday night, but it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, I got a blister on my palm and all, but the shelves are done, I have a place to put some of the books we're currently using and nobody got hurt by airborne screwdrivers. That in itself is pretty sweet! LOL!

Ok, other news. Our van is officially on the way out. It's beginning to cost more just to keep it going than it would to actually have a new(er) vehicle. So we're (I'm) looking. This week I have learned/decided that I do not like car/van/SUV shopping. And that The Next Used Car Dealer that calls me sweetheart had better be wearing a cup. I bet they wouldn't do that if Levi was with me.

I also learned/decided that I can not buy ink for the printer either. I even showed the girl working at The Store what my printer looked like so she could show me what kind of ink cartridges I needed to buy. Turns out that I was close, but not close enough. I got home and realized that having The Transparent Blue Lid on your printer apparently is different than having The Solid Beige Lid, and that even though they may look identical in every other way, the cartridges are just not the same (they looked identical to the ones I took out!) So I had to go back to The Store and get the correct ones, which of course were also twice the cost of the ones I had to exchange. And those were the cheaper Store Brand ones!!

On the homeschooling front, I picked up some of the preschool series workbooks for Connor and he's quite excited to dive into them each day. He tends to go through them quickly and seems to absorb what he is learning, so he'll probably be to Kindergarten level shortly after he turns 4. I don't want to rush him, but I don't want him to get bored either. I'm just following his pace, which I guess is probably the best thing. We're also starting a unit on Dinosaurs. We were at The Dollar Store tonight and picked up a few plastic dinos. He wanted to find out more about them before he went to bed, so we were able to look up a just a few to satisfy his curiosity until morning. His favorites are the T-Rex (of course!) the Maiasaura, the Ankylosaurus and the little(!!) Troodon. He's still into Constellations too, and it's funny to hear him talking about Polaris and satellites and orbits and stuff.

Our Christmas tree is coming down tomorrow. I know, I still have it up. It's so pretty though, even if Lilly has decided that she must help by removing an ornament or three every day by batting it off the lower branches then trotting through the house with it in her mouth. A lot of people tear their trees down a day or two after Christmas is over, but I actually enjoy the tree more after the craziness of the holidays are over. It seems peaceful somehow. We decorated our tree with white lights and star shaped ornaments on Winter Solstice in the spirit of celebrating the return of light and lengthening of days, and welcomed the new solar year with reflections on the year that had passed and wishes for the new year to come. Tomorrow we'll put our Christmas tree in amongst the other trees behind our house to provide additional shelter for some of the little woodland critters - should we ever get some snow! Happy New Year everyone! Here's to another spin around the sun!!

Surf 'n Turf

If you've ever been to Prince Edward Island in the summer, you'll understand why I haven't been writing much lately. The last week has been absolutely beautiful, sunny and 28 degrees most days. That means one thing in our house - The Beach. So we've been beach bums for the last little while, enjoying the sun, sand and the surf.

On the not so great beach days, I've been cleaning, streamlining, throwing out anything remotely useless. It's all getting turfed. I went through Madeline's room a week ago with two garbage bags and a big Rubbermaid container. I filled them all. For some reason, she holds on to junky stuff and shoves it into the drawers under her bed. Stuff like pen lids and pieces of cut up paper, markers that have dried up, candy wrappers, Barbie doll heads and broken dollar store toys. And then there's the clothes. A typical day starts with me asking: "Maddie, are you dressed?"

Silence.

"Maddie? You OK hon?"

Maddie: *exasperated sigh, then whining* "I don't have anything to wear!!"

Some days, it's just a matter of going up to her room, issuing a stern warning and putting the clothes in front of her. Other days, she's already sitting on the floor, scowling at her dresser, rejecting every article of clothing I suggest. "I don't. have. anything!" she growls. Funny. I can never get the drawers open for all the clothing shoved inside.

So one day I started pulling out her drawers and tossing things into piles. I would simply hold up something and ask "Like it?" or "Does it fit?" Any hesitation on her part meant that the item in question was turfed into a bag, either to be donated or thrown out. No going back. After getting a large garbage bag full of clothing to be donated, a large garbage bag full of junk, and a Rubbermaid tote filled with books, her room finally looks neat. Her drawers (mysteriously) are still filled with clothes that she will actually wear, and she has room in the drawers under her bed now for other things that I will likely toss out some day.

Connor's room and the TV room have also received similar treatment. The result is a much cleaner, less cluttered looking house. I like it. It's so much easier to relax on the beach when you don't have to worry about cleaning a messy house when you get back. The only thing to clean is the sand, but that's another post for another day. Today we're off to the beach!

Small Stuff

One day last week I was bustling around the kitchen making supper while I was washing the dishes from lunch (and breakfast). While I was doing this, I was also doing laundry. I tripped over a million pairs of shoes in the laundry room while attempting to carry yet another load of dirty clothes to the washing machine, and tripped over the same mountain of shoes on my way back out with the clean clothes to be folded. I cursed the shoes under my breath and announced to Whoever Might Be Listening that if I tripped over them again I was going to burn them all and the owners would have to go barefoot for the rest of the summer.

Once I got to the kitchen table and dumped the clean clothes onto it, Madeline began whining about how she didn’t “get” her homework and would I please help her. It was also around this time that a very grumpy Connor decided that her homework looked like the perfect spot to draw pictures, so he kept trying to climb onto her chair and scribble on her work.

“Mommy, I can’t do this… Con-nor! No Connor! Get down!!… Mommy! STOP Connor!! Mom! Connor is tryin’ to… NO Connor!! MOM-EEEE!”

Meanwhile, Connor is taking a tantrum: “Eeennnggghh! Maddie! I want to draw! Nnnnnn! Uhhhhh….I WAAANT UPPP!! I want to DRAAAAW Maddie!! Uhhh huhhhh! Waaahhhhh! WAAA-HAAA!!! Then he crumbled onto the floor and screamed. Very loudly.

It was here that Terran saunters into the kitchen and says to me in a dead voice; “Oh yeah, I have cadets tonight at six.” I stopped in my tracks for a moment, glanced at the clock and saw that it was 5:15. In disbelief I looked at him – sweaty and dirty from playing outside and waiting for me to tell him what to do. I didn’t disappoint. “Don’t you think you should be in the shower then instead of in here doing nothing?” I snapped.

“Whatever.” He snorted as he headed for the stairs. He mumbled something but I couldn’t hear it over the escalating tantrum happening on the floor in front of me.

By this point Madeline was shrieking about a pencil mark on her work, Connor was on the floor kicking and screeching at the top of his lungs, and the potatoes were boiling over. Rushing to the stove, I tripped over the dog, who panicked and bolted for the door. In doing so, she walked on the cat, who was sleeping on the mat in front of the sink. The cat of course hissed and swiped at the dog, who panicked some more and ran back to me, bumping into my legs and causing me to burn my hand on the steam rolling out of the pot.

Madeline was whining “He ruined my HOMEWORK!!”
Connor was screaming “ I WAAANT TO DRAAAWWW!!”
Terran was yelling from the bathroom upstairs “MOM! There’s no hot water!!”
The washer started spinning off balance, banging and rattling the entire back porch. By now, the other two cats had to get in on the action, so all four animals were flying around the kitchen like someone was chasing them with a knife. My hand was burning. Cursing, I dropped the lid, where it fell onto the stove and then onto the floor, spitting little beads of boiling water onto my bare arms and legs like miniature daggers. Then it happened.

I lost it.

“That’s IT!! EVERYBODY knock it OFF!!!” I shouted. Sucking in another breath as fast as I could, I continued my rant “I’VE HAD ENOUGH!! JUST STOP IT!! What the hell is WRONG with you guys anyways? You’re all making me CRAZY!!”

For a split second, there was silence. Or maybe that was just my brain exploding. “Nice. Way to go, dumbass” it chastised me.

The washer continued to squeal and clunk loudly in the porch. Connor sucked in his breath long enough to fuel another scream. Madeline sniffled and then started bawling. The animals looked at me as if I had grown three heads, then scampered off into the rest of the house. Terran continued to yell down for me to shut the washer off.

I wanted to disappear. I felt weak and suddenly very drained. As if on autopilot, I slowly picked up the lid off the floor, put it back on the pot, turned the burner down, then shut the washing machine off. In the midst of all the chaos, I eased myself into a chair, ignoring the world around me. “What is wrong with me? What the hell was I doing? Why? Why did I just freak out like that?”

“Because you’ll never be perfect, Amy. They don’t expect you to be.”

I realized then that I was not living my life for me and my family, but for everyone else. I was letting other people’s expectations of me as a stay-at-home-mom dictate how I was managing my home. I was swimming upstream against a strong current. Why? Why was it so important to me what other people thought, when I had just lost it in front of my kids? Did I feel that I had something to prove because I wasn’t working outside the home? Did I feel that somehow I had to conform to their expectations because otherwise I would seem lazy? Like a bad wife and mother? Somehow I became so consumed with meeting these expectations, I failed to realize what I was doing to my children. I was robbing them of their mother. And now I had hurt them because I felt inadequate.

“I’m losing it. I’m friggin’ losing it.” I muttered to Nobody In Particular. Putting my head in to my hands, I drew a shaky breath. The tears were stinging my eyes, yet I didn’t cry. My throat was raw, and my insides felt empty. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I violated something somewhere, perhaps it was my own sense of self along with my children’s feelings. This was not the mother I wanted to be. I felt like such a failure. Their little hearts are in my hands, and I crushed them. I was so careless with their feelings. How could I do that to my beautiful children? Do they know how much I love them? Are they feeling unloved right now?

“I’m sorry guys.” It came out in a whisper. “I’m really sorry guys.” I tried again. “I should never have said that.” I picked up my sobbing toddler up off the floor and kissed the top of his head as I pulled the sniffling Madeline to me for a hug. My tears spilled over. “I’m so sorry. Mommy loves you sooo much. I’m having a really bad day and I took it out on you guys and that was wrong of me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, embracing and soothing our hurts. I felt their warm little bodies against mine, and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. How I love them! They’re growing so fast, this is not what I want them to remember about their childhood. They need to express themselves, however much I might disagree. They need to cry. They need to giggle. They need to whine. They need to argue amongst themselves and solve their own problems. They need direction when they can’t find it on their own, but they need to try first. They need to get dirty and be smelly sometimes and they need to know that they are loved unconditionally. They need to be little. I was reckless with their feelings. I had taken them for granted, and they still loved me. I silently vowed to try harder, to do better, to be a better mom for them. To be the mom I know I was meant to be, not the mom other people think that I should be.

As picturesque as it is to think of a warm loving home where children play a board game happily together on a braided rug on the floor in front of the fireplace…smiling Mother prepares dinner in her pearls and heels, hair neatly in place…whistling Father arrives in the evening to an immaculate home and sets his briefcase (okay, lunchbox and workboots) by the door and is greeted with hugs and smiles and a hot dinner (not Hamburger Helper) on the beautifully set table where you can actually use a real cloth table cloth instead of plastic placemats because the children’s table manners are quite good… these days just don’t exist at my house most times.

I think maybe every mom has days like this. The days where we just wish we had a solution for everything, a calm demeanor and an organized home. I realize that every individual family has their own coping strategies, and I have to use the one that works best for my family. For example, my friend only does laundry on Mondays and Thursdays. She is raising six kids. Six. To me, she seems organized, relaxed, seems to have a pretty good handle on All Things Family. If you were to ask her, she would laugh as she hands out a snack to her toddler while picking up hockey gear off the floor and say that her life is one giant car pool and call it “organized chaos.” She genuinely seems to love it. She doesn’t sweat the small stuff. In retrospect, it is all small stuff, really. Laundry gets washed, the plants get watered, pets get fed, the floors get scrubbed, supper gets cooked, and the homework gets done. So what if the house isn’t spotless every day? Who really cares if there are six loads of laundry instead of two?

It’s the important stuff that will enrich my life, and it is the important stuff that humbles me. The important stuff is worth crying over, especially if you learn something from it. The important stuff is the fragility and innocence of the hearts and feelings of my children, and remembering that without them I would not be a mother at all.

Little Tidbits

Potty Conversation between Connor and I

I was in the kitchen doing breakfast dishes, he was in the living room sitting on the potty and eating breakfast (!!) because I make the best oatmeal in the world and he could not bear to leave it long enough to sit and pee.

Connor (from the living room): Mama! I peed!

Me: Good job sweetie! I'm so proud of you!

Connor (rushing out to the kitchen, stark naked): Mama! Come see! I peed on my oatmeal!! Come see Mama!

Me (startled): What? You peed in your oatmeal?!? Honey... *rush to living room*

Connor (staring and pointing proudly into potty): See? I peed on my oatmeal! Are you so proud of me??

Me (looking at a little blob of oatmeal that must have fallen into the potty as he was stitting there eating/peeing): Oh! Uh... Good job for peeing in the potty sweetheart! *pick up bowl of oatmeal from little table in front of potty and inspect it* Uhh, let's finish this in the kitchen...


Laundry Conversation between Connor and I

I was hanging laundry out on the clothesline with Connor playing on the deck beside me.

Connor: It's a beautiful sunny day today Mommy!

Me: Yes, it is. It's a great day for hanging the clothes outside! * I hang up the top of my bathing suit that I had worn the day before*

Connor: Uhh.. Mommy?? Are you hanging up your boobs?

Mother's Day 2006

Happy Mother's Day!

Today I fell in love with my family all over again and was reminded why I cherish this "unpaid" job of motherhood so much. I wish I had a camera so I could share all the pictures with you, but all I have are the special little moments from today that I've imprinted into my memory. Ready?

* This morning, Connor sat on the big bed and casually chatted with me about his brother and sister. He affectionately refers to them as his "kids." Today he was wondering "When are my kids going to wake up?" and informed me that "My kids are growing so much. Terran is big enough..."

* Madeline used her creativity yet again and wowed us with a wonderful fruit tray of apples, banana and melon with yogurt in the middle for dipping. Her gift to me was a beautiful handmade card and a bookmark with pressed flowers on it. The little poem on the bookmark almost made me cry, and the part of her card where she had scrawled in her best handwriting that I was her best friend actually did.

* Terran put the kettle on for me this morning to make a mug of Lemon Echinacea tea, because I have a cold, and with it a nasty sore throat. He also pleasantly surprised me with a rare display of public affection (in front of our neighbor), in which he wrapped both arms around me for the best Terran hug I've had in a long time.

* Levi created a beautiful breakfast of hemp granola, almonds, rasins, and raspberries layered on top of plain yogurt and served it to me in a large wine goblet. He (I mean the kids) also thrilled me with a gift card to one of my favorite stores and the new Oprah magazine.

* When I was in the bathroom this morning, Connor was pounding on the door yelling "Happy Mother's Day!". I opened the door to a dirty faced, beaming three year old thrusting a chubby fistfull of dandelions at me. "Happy Mother's Day Mama!" I scooped him up in my arms and hugged him, breathed in the earthy smell of him and tried not to weep.

* We went fishing this morning, and at one point, Levi and the three kids were all lined up against the bridge rail, silently looking over the edge into the water below, holding their fishing poles and waiting. It was like something in a painting. What struck me in that moment was the sheer beauty of it all, the warmth of the sun and the angle at which it shone on their faces, the sounds of the birds, and the unexpected stillness of everyone. I held my breath for fear of breaking the spell, and drank in the sight of my family, the entire time feeling as if my heart would burst with love for them.

* A little later, Levi came up from the brook with Connor under one arm, and laughed "He fell in." In an instant, Connor was in front of me with one leg soaked to the hip while Levi pulled off his little rain boot and dumped out a bunch of water. It was so insanely comical, I half expected to see a little fish flopping around on the ground.

* After a trip to Summerside in which the main purpose was to return a Max & Ruby DVD to the video store, we returned home with our bellies full of Burger King's finest and Max & Ruby still sitting on the floor of the van. This was our second attempt to return it...

* Levi and the kids were playing soccer for a bit in the back yard while I laid on a blanket on the grass and read my new Fitness magazine. Levi came over to join me, then Connor wanted a snuggle with "Mama and Daddy" so we amused ourselves by listening to the conversation/arguement between Terran and Madeline, who were at this point scaling the sides of the swing set and grabbing onto the swing ropes in an attempt to "Tarzan" their way across. Levi and I both looked at each other with confusion, chuckled, and shook our heads. Neither one of us "gets" them.

* Connor was dancing in the kitchen as I was writing this, and declared, "I'm dancin' my arse hole off!" I'm still giggling, even though this sort of talk is completely inappropriate and I have no idea where he would hear something like that.

* Levi has steak on the BBQ. And mushrooms and onions. 'Nuff said...


Perhaps the best gift this year for Mother's Day is realizing how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful family, and knowing that they love me as much as I love them.

Chasing Sanity

Summer vacation is upon us! No more lunches to pack, no more groggy searches for a clean matching pair of socks, no more frantic sprints to the bus. Yesterday was the last day of the school year, and perhaps the last day of my sanity as we all know it.

It's not that I mind having my children home with me all day. I don't. Normally. This year though, things are different. The end of the school year corresponded perfectly with the arrival of my nasty head cold, a hefty dose of PMS thrown in for good measure, and a very determined two year old. Determined to do what you may ask? Well, just about anything except sleep. Climb the dresser? No problem. Scale the bookshelf? Been there. Let's see what happens when we mix half a bottle of BBQ sauce with the margarine. Oh look, Mommy gets funny lines in her forehead...

Normally I would admire Connor's little toddler self, and watch with fascination as he waddles - skips -runs like a chubby little duckling to his next wonderful discovery. Sometimes I catch myself watching him and smiling, just over the very fact of him. Normally I would sit and chat with Terran, mindlessly wondering about stuff and just soaking in life as it happens around us. Being around him lately reminds me of the very essence of those pre-teenage years, and seeing him on the threshold of it all has me scared and excited for him all at the same time. Kind of like a ride on the Zipper at Old Home Week. Normally I would patiently listen to Madeline's latest best friend drama, the latest story she's written, or her latest complaint about not having enough shoes. I know that one day she will be a very successful woman- with lots of shoes. Her feisty personality, stunning beauty and clever mind reminds me of a beautiful wild horse thundering along the shores of Sable Island. To watch such a spirited creature is breathtaking and intimidating all at once.

After the kids were in bed tonight I decided to search for any sanity that I might have left. I first thought that I had found it in the bottom of a Tostitos bag and sour cream container. Now I discover that it was here all along. Sometimes sanity comes in the form of a screen, a keyboard, and sharing the thoughts of the heart.

Mother's Day

Everyone who has ever had a child will share with you the joys and the frustration of raising a child. Many stories are humerous, some are heartbreaking, while others are simply so honest and real that they seem like your own.

The thoughts I share with you had their beginnings eleven years ago, with the birth of my son, Terran. With his arrival, I became what I always wanted to be - a mother. Nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of my own emotions, and never would I have imagined that such a small child could teach his mother so much. It was my first born son who taught me about sacrifice, devotion, and about a love greater than anything I've ever known.

When he was a baby, I would bury my face in his hair and breathe in the newborn smell of him. When he was a toddler, we were each other's best friend. I lived for his huge hugs and how he would press his cheek against mine and exclaim, "Snuddle cheeks!" My heart ached on his first day of school, when I felt as if I was losing a part of myself. I cried all that day.
I cried again, only this time tears of joy, when he rode his bike for the first time.

The traces of the baby he was have long since disappeared, and his need for my hugs and cuddles have been replaced by video games and playing with friends. By the moon glow at night, though, he is still my baby, and I make silent wishes for his happiness. He is my sensitive, loving child, perhaps the most like me. His spirit is easily crushed if I speak sharply to him. Beautiful music touches his soul. He enjoys the peace he finds in solitude. He is smarter than he knows. He has taught me how to be a mother. He has forgiven me when I made mistakes, and has loved me unconditionally.

I wish for my children all the things a mother wants for her child. I wish them radiant health, and a life full of love and happiness. I want to thank them for loving me as I am, and for accepting me even when I am my very worst self. Being their mother is a wonderful gift, and that is all I need.

Juggling Act

Wow - It's been a busy week, with lots of meetings, appointments, and lots of little loose ends to tie up !!
Sunday was my BORN group, which stands for Birth Options Research Network. We're a volunteer group working towards having Midwifery and Doula services legislated and funded in PEI. (the Atlantic provinces are the last to get on board with this) We're having our first AGM at the end of the month, so there's lots of work to do as far as getting presentations in order.
Monday I spent much of my day on the phone. It turns out that the location in which I was going to start teaching my Pre/Postnatal Fitness Classes shut down! All of a sudden, with no warning... anyhow, now I have to look for another location. It could be worse though, at least my flyers, posters, etc, weren't printed up yet. (That was supposed to be this weeks job!!)
Tuesday Connor had his Dr. appointment - his ear and sinus infection is completely cleared up! Yay! My ND. sent me a protcol to follow the next time he seems to be getting an infection... if we can tackle these things without antibiotics, I'm all for it!! Tuesday evening I had my Home and School meeting. Lots going on in the final months of the school year. There is a new Sobeys scheduled to be going up by the school, and there are safety concerns since there will be a new "main" road going right in front of the school. We are hoping to have a new crosswalk (with lights) and crossing guard as well as a sidewalk put in place for the safety of the walking students. I am in charge of the fundraiser for May, called "Pennies for Learning". I will supply each student with penny rolls, and they will go home and hopefully fill them up with all the pennies laying around the house. If every student contributes $2.00, we will raise around $800.00 for new books for the library. The class that raises the most money will win a movie and popcorn afternoon. Wish us luck! That night, Levi found out that he and his dad have another house to build after this current one is finished!! Whoo hoo!
Wednesday was a beautiful sunny day, but it was a "work day". I went to a business luncheon/seminar on Niche Markets. It was very interesting, and I made some very good contacts. I may have a new location sooner than I think, and two of these new contacts are very interested in working with me and there is even a possibility of some funding!
All this brings us to today. Thursday. Nothing on the calendar except for getting groceries and watching The OC later tonight. I still have a lot of stuff to do, there's more meetings and seminars next week to prepare for, locations to pin down, posters to print up and distribute, a bedroom to paint, but today I'm taking the day off.
I'm thankful for the breathing space. Today I think I'm just going to do regular mom stuff. I might even have a decent supper ready before 6 tonight. Maybe.

It's Over!

It's that time of year again! Parents all over are breathing a sigh of relief. March Break is over and the children have returned to school! Although I am glad to have some normality return to my life, I find myself missing those guys. What funny little people they are, my two, with their constant chatter and horrid attempts at knock-knock jokes! Terran with his running commentary of everything skateboarding related, and Madeline with her quirky sense of humor and contagous laugh. I find myself watching the clock until they come bursting through the door again, covered in mud, complaining of hunger pains and lack of anything decent in the house to eat for snack. I have to prepare myself for this on most days, dreading the sound of the bus pulling away from my driveway, but today I am looking forward to hearing about their days. What has changed so much?

Our life this last week has been hectic, but in a strangely satisfying way. We have survived the fevers, runny noses, endless trips to friends houses and the movie store, and a Candy-Free Easter holiday with all our feelings intact. Something like that doesn't happen very often. They played. They ate. They told jokes, giggled, and watched tasteless movies. They groaned over the dog puke and gagged over the smelly diapers. Connor loved the attention he got from his older siblings, and I loved getting to know them a little better. I did not realize that my son had a huge crush on a girl from his old school. I was not aware that my daughter was such a bad joke teller. (although I did suspect this for some time!) I loved having them home this last week, filling the house with kid noises.

As much as I enjoyed the week, I am also enjoying having my alone time back with Connor. I find we both missed this, and he seemed to be a little jealous ond overwhelmed with the constant whirlwind of activity. I look forward to getting back to the business of normal living again. And nap time... I'm really looking forward to nap time again!

Home

There are days that you wish could last forever, and then there are days that you wish you could just stay in bed until it's over. I never really understood this concept until I became a mother. On the good days, the children are playing together, the signifigant other tells you how much he appreciates you, and all is generally right with the world. The bad days are a little harder to take, but you do it because you have to. On Tuesday, I took the baby to the doctor. He had a fever of 104 for about four days, and he was showing no sign of getting any better. At the doctor's office, there was a mother, who, much like me, looked like she hadn't slept in a few nights. She was pressing her lips to the head of her feverish little baby, consoling her, and trying not to cry. I could relate to her overwhelming fatigue, and see her sense of helplessness as she held her child. I looked down at my own armful, and felt tears stinging my eyes. Perhaps it was the sleep deprived state that I was in, but most likely it was the tiny little person with the hot dry skin and the glassy eyes staring back at me, totally dependant on me to help him feel better. He is still too young to tell me what he needs, but he was finding comfort in my arms. Occasionally, he would whimper "mum" and snuggle closer, as if to make sure I was still there. He eventually fell asleep.
Later that evening, as Levi (my hubby-to-be) and I lay on the couch, I found myself snuggling deeper into his warm embrace. My tears were threatening to find their way to the surface. As if he could read my heart, he simply kissed the top of my head and whispered "It was a hard day for you, wasn't it?" I just nodded, and savored every moment of being there in his arms. Everything would be all right. He understood, and there was no need for words. Was this how Connor had felt earlier that day? Safe? Loved? Understood? I sincerely hope so. I mean, isn't this what love is all about- the feeling of being home?