I decided to write this post over the course of a couple of days, mainly because I wanted to see how I still felt the next morning about things.
Things around here have been tough, as many of you are aware. Three weeks ago we went to the doctor, this time for Levi, and received a diagnosis of depression. It could be a seasonal thing, it might not be. All I know is that for months, my husband has been slowly replaced by someone of a different nature. I'm hoping that with help from his medication and love and support from us, he will reappear as the man I fell in love with. I realize that this is nobodys fault, certainly not his, and that depression is still one of those things that a lot of people don't really like to talk about because of the stigma still attatched to it. Truth is, depression is another one of those things like diabetes or heart disease, you find out you have it and treat it. Anybody can end up with it. So I guess I'm writing about it because I need an outlet. The last few days have been extremely emotional for me.
I so desprately miss my husband. Once in a while I still see bits of the old Levi, but it's not very often. I feel like he's lost and that I'm waiting, holding my breath for him to come in through the door so we can pick up our life again. In the meantime, I try to maintain some sort of relationship with the person who
is here, but it's hard for me. I mean, he still looks like Levi, and tells me that he loves me, but he's not the same person. I find it difficult carrying everything by myself, trying to always be "up" around him, and having nobody to discuss my problems with. It must be so hard for him too, and I'm sure he is missing our old relationship. I feel so sad about this, for him, for me, for all of us.
I am breaking off a friendship with a girl who is a nice person when she's sober, but she's also a girl who can't control her liquor. She likes her drinks on the weekend, and when we're
anywhere (including my wedding)
she can turn ugly in a hurry with a few drinks in her. Suddenly she thinks everyone is talking about her, looking at her weird, or wanting to fight with her. So she gives dirty looks to complete strangers who might just be looking at her, wondering who she is because she's a new face, or because she's a cute little blonde. It's a great way to offend people without even opening your mouth, or an even better way to get your face beat in. Especially when you're on someone else's turf and acting like that. I'm really sick of having people come up to me and ask what my friends problem is. Aside from the fact that it reflects badly on me because I brought her there in the first place, it scares the shit out of me. When a gang of six girls came up to my van wanting to "talk" before we left, I had to cover her ass once again, and spent a lot of time smoothing ruffled feathers. I do not fight. I have never been in a fight, and really think it's stupid. But my friend will fight, and she will say (and did say) as much. So I told her to shut up, and once again talked to these girls who she had offended, apologizing for her behavior, etc. I think if it wasn't for the fact that they knew who I was, and that they liked me the few times they had seen me before, it would've been an ugly scene. So that's enough of that bullshit for me. I don't need that to contaminate my life, so I'm cutting my losses and severing the friendship. She's a nice person when she's sober though, and I'm going to miss that. I just wanted to hear the band that was playing...
My sister, who is OK, had an accident yesterday with her truck. The roads have been hell lately, with all the freezing and thawing and refreezing. I still don't know exactly what happened, but she went off the road on her way to work, rolled her truck, and it's looking like it's a write off. Thank God she was wearing her seat belt. I am so relieved that she is unharmed. All this makes me realize, once again, how easy it is to take people for granted, especially the people closest to you.
In addition to all this, Levi gets laid off from work today, which is going to be a very hard thing for us emotionally and financially. I know that it will all work out, it always does, but I need to get from here to there with my family intact. There are days that I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and that I am standing in the dark, waiting, waiting, waiting. This would be easier if the old Levi was here. I miss him so much.
I was listening to Hilary Duff, and was touched by the words to one of her songs. It's from her movie "Raise Your Voice". It's about missing the person you love, having faith in yourself, and no matter how hard things seem sometimes, having the strength to get through it.
"
Someone's Watching Over Me"
-Hilary Duff
"Found myself today... oh, I found myself and ran away.
Something pulled me back, voice of reason I forgot I had.
All I know is you're not here to say what you always used to say.
But it's written in the sky tonight.
So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.
I've seen that ray of light, and its shining on my destiny,
Shining all the time, and I won't be afraid to follow everywhere its taking me.
All I know is yesterday is gone, and right now I belong
To this moment, to my dreams.
So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.
It doesn't matter what people say, and it doesn't matter how long it takes,
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
It only matters how true you are,
Be true to yourself and follow your heart..."
