Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Back On Line!

Merry Christmas! Hapy New Year! I've missed the internet soooo much! My brother-in-law fixed our modem problems today and we are now officially back on line! Hooray!! Thanks Reg!!

So much has happened since my last post in September. In October Levi went to Alberta to work for a few months. He has work here, but nothing in the construction industry is written in stone these days. He had a chance to make some really good money out there, so after many nights of endless discussion we decided that a sacrifice of a few months would be of long term benefit to our little family. It's been hard, to say the least. There have been the usual good and bad days - days when I've felt like completely giving up and calling it quits, and days when I was just contentedly buzzing along in the new daily routine that we've created. We talk on the phone every night and text message several times throughout the day, so that helps tremendously. Still, I miss him and miss having someone to lean on when things get insane around here.

In November Terran became a teenager, Levi turned 27, and I tested my seamstress skills and made an old fashioned dress (think Little House on the Prarie!) for Madeline's play. We also said goodbye to our beloved dog Daisy. She had a tumor and was not going to be well again. We made the difficult decision to have her put down. She is misssed and fondly remembered.

December was in a class all its own. Between trying to get some Christmas shopping done, having the van break down several times, a drunk neighbour stopping by occasionally, hurtful rumors about why Levi is away and what I'm supposedly doing with my free time (??) since he's been away, missing Levi terribly, Horseback riding lessons on Monday evenings, Cadets on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and play rehearsals on Friday evenings, Saturdays and eventually Sundays, I had a bit of a meltdown. Nothing serious, I just stalled. Ran out of gas. Ka-put. Nothing. I woke up one morning and had no desire to do anything for anyone anymore. Levi's mom and I bought a Christmas tree on the 18th. It sat, undecorated, until the 21st. I finally dragged the decorations out of the attic and the kids and I went at it, making the house feel Christmasy at least. But I felt guilty, as if I was robbing the kids of any pre-Christmas excitement. They didn't seem to notice, they had their sights set on the day Levi would return and the Big Jolly Guy would leave loot under the tree - Christmas Eve.

Levi surprised all of us by coming home a day earlier than expected for Christmas. That, for sure, was the best present I could have ever asked for! He arrived home on the 23rd and I dropped him off at the airport very early this morning. He was only here a few short days, but we squeezed every last second out of the time that we had together. Hopefully he'll be home for good by the end of March. The kids and I had a great Christmas with Levi here, and everything was finally set right again. My thoughts became clearer and things were put into perspective once again. The sacrifice he is making is far greater than what I am making, he is the one who is over three thousand kilometers away from his loved ones. I have the kids to hug when I feel lonely, the familliar surroundings of home to soothe me, and I get to witness the joys of parenthood first hand while he has to re-live them through my tellings. I am so proud of him for everything he is willing to do for our family. His strength of character and selfless love for his family are just a few of the many things I love about him, and that is what makes all this worthwhile.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

How I Spent My Summer

Remember me? Long lost blogger here, checking in just to let you all know that I survived the summer and all it had to offer. The modem on my computer is fried. I can't connect to the internet!! I can't read blogs! I can't write e-mails or even read the ones that get sent to me! I can't Google! So I finally stole some time away from home and I'm using the computer at my husband's shop.

Well, let's recap the summer shall we? When was the last entry? Almost two months ago?! Really? Huh.

In July, we spent a great deal of time at the beach. Practically lived there. We came home to make supper, shower, sleep and then back at it the next day. *sigh* It was rough. Terran was at Cadet Summer Training Camp for two weeks. He had a great time, made tons of cool friends and must have grown two feet in the two weeks he was gone. I missed him terribly, and was shocked to see a young man waiting for me when I went to pick him up.

August brought horse shows on the weekend, Old Home Week, a trip to Nova Scotia, Horseback Riding lessons for Madeline, and surgery. I had to have surgery on my knee cap, it was scoped and then the bones shaved and re-shaped, and torn cartilige removed. Yeah, ouch. This was almost three weeks ago now, and I still have a bit of a limp, but it gets a bit better every day. Unless someone kicks it. Or punches it. Or grabs it. That seems to happen a lot. Connor seems to be just the right height...

September brought a court date with The Ex. I served him with papers a month before the date, hoping he would attempt to settle out of court. He thought he would be a snake and have me served the Friday afternoon of a long weekend, (with our appearance being on Tuesday) making all sorts of unreasonable demands and untrue claims. I was pissed, but that's another story for another time. The end result is that we didn't have to go to court, he agreed to my terms last minute (that morning), and I have the smug pleasure of realizing that while his arguements were about him and what he wants, mine were about my daughter and her best intrest. After years of him making me feel like the dirt under his shoe, I walked away finally feeling like the Better Person.

I hope he realizes that all his lip flapping and threats about "I'll make sure that you never get anything" and "with the help of some good money" his "best lawyer there is" all pale in comparison to honesty and the best intrest of my daughter. That's it. No desire to screw him over. No selfish motive to see how far I can go, just because I can. My one and only driving force was Madeline's happiness. Karma, baby. Try to do right by the universe, and the universe will reward you. One day he will realize that money isn't what makes you a better person. He proved that one a hundred times over. On the day he realizes that, I hope his heart breaks into a million pieces at the thought of what he could have had, and what he threw away. That is something all his money won't ever be able to fix, and that is where my satisfaction lies.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Surf 'n Turf

If you've ever been to Prince Edward Island in the summer, you'll understand why I haven't been writing much lately. The last week has been absolutely beautiful, sunny and 28 degrees most days. That means one thing in our house - The Beach. So we've been beach bums for the last little while, enjoying the sun, sand and the surf.

On the not so great beach days, I've been cleaning, streamlining, throwing out anything remotely useless. It's all getting turfed. I went through Madeline's room a week ago with two garbage bags and a big Rubbermaid container. I filled them all. For some reason, she holds on to junky stuff and shoves it into the drawers under her bed. Stuff like pen lids and pieces of cut up paper, markers that have dried up, candy wrappers, Barbie doll heads and broken dollar store toys. And then there's the clothes. A typical day starts with me asking: "Maddie, are you dressed?"


"Maddie? You OK hon?"

Maddie: *exasperated sigh, then whining* "I don't have anything to wear!!"

Some days, it's just a matter of going up to her room, issuing a stern warning and putting the clothes in front of her. Other days, she's already sitting on the floor, scowling at her dresser, rejecting every article of clothing I suggest. "I don't. have. anything!" she growls. Funny. I can never get the drawers open for all the clothing shoved inside.

So one day I started pulling out her drawers and tossing things into piles. I would simply hold up something and ask "Like it?" or "Does it fit?" Any hesitation on her part meant that the item in question was turfed into a bag, either to be donated or thrown out. No going back. After getting a large garbage bag full of clothing to be donated, a large garbage bag full of junk, and a Rubbermaid tote filled with books, her room finally looks neat. Her drawers (mysteriously) are still filled with clothes that she will actually wear, and she has room in the drawers under her bed now for other things that I will likely toss out some day.

Connor's room and the TV room have also received similar treatment. The result is a much cleaner, less cluttered looking house. I like it. It's so much easier to relax on the beach when you don't have to worry about cleaning a messy house when you get back. The only thing to clean is the sand, but that's another post for another day. Today we're off to the beach!

Friday, June 30, 2006


"Pssst!! You awake?? I can't sleep!"

It's almost 5am and I'm awake again, reading blogs and finally attempting some of my own writing. I've been awake since 2:30am. Last night (or was it yesterday morning?) it was from about 3:30am until sometime after 5:30. The night before that, it was about the same. Noticing a pattern? It's been like this for about two weeks now. One morning I was frosting Brownies at 3am. This morning, after tidying up the bathroom at 4am, I'm here on the computer...

What is Up with that? Connor is sleeping all night, the other two kids sleep like logs, and Levi hasn't even been snoring lately, even though he's been putting in some long exhausting 14 hour days. I don't drink coffee or anything with caffeine, I don't eat a lot of sugary stuff before bed (or in general for that matter), and things are going pretty good on the homefront. My laundry has been caught up every day for a week and the house is actually staying pretty clean. I'm not sleeping my afternoons away, though by mid-afternoon I'm totally wiped from going on only a couple hours sleep. It's not too hot for sleeping, my bed is as cozy as ever, so I'm at a loss for an explanation.

I've tried herbal tea. I've tried visual relaxation. I've tried going to bed early. I've tried going to bed late. I get lots of fresh air and sunshine during the day. I'm active. I haven't watched TV before bed. I've tried writing down a list of things that might be bothering me. (I could only come up with three things, and they are all minor, this insomnia being one of them.) I can fall asleep, I just can't seem to stay asleep. Please help, dear readers! I need some suggestions!! I really don't want to resort to sleeping pills! What works for you when you can't sleep?

So since I can't sleep, I'll spill to you about what has been going on lately.

*We had our Field Trip to Orwell Corner last Friday. It was such a great time! I wrote about it and Blogger ate most of it when I tried to save it, so I have to try and re-write what was lost. I hope to have it posted some time this weekend.

*The kids have officially finished school. Tuesday was their last day, and they both passed. Madeline, who has been doing well all year, is now promoted to Grade 4. Terran, who's marks were um... shall we just say not great last term? He really made a tremendous effort and pulled his marks way up. I'm so proud of him, he worked hard last term and is now promoted to Grade 8.

*Connor is Officially Potty Trained!! He's been wearing "Big Kid Underwear" (Gerber cotton training pants, no plastic thankyouverymuch!) and hasn't needed a diaper at all! I still put one on him at Nap and Bedtime, but he always wakes up dry. He is very good at telling me when he needs to use the bathroom and even on our Field Trip (with all the excitement) he let me know and we would go to the bathroom, no accidents. Whoo Hoo!!

*Madeline left Wednesday to visit with her Grandparents and Auntie, who live about an hour and a half from here. She loves visiting them. I was talking with her last night before she went to bed, and she was just getting home from Bingo. She won $25.00! (I know, it's funny as hell!) She's also been to the beach. She informs me that she wants to stay for two weeks. Her vacation is off to a great start!

*Terran is sleeping out in the tent with two of his buddies. He's having his Annual Summer Vacation Kick-Off Party. (Two of the other boys couldn't make it.) They took his TV, DVD player and XBox or whatever it is out there along with a bunch of candy. They were playing Flashlight Tag around 11:30 or so, so I guess it still counts as camping out. It's 5:25 am now, so it's safe to assume that they fell asleep out there. Last year they were all back in the house by 2 am. He's going to be leaving me for a couple of days as well, he was invited to spend a few days with his friend at Brackley Beach.

*Levi's sister and her husband are coming home from New Brunswick tonight. Connor is pretty excited about it, and we haven't seen them since April. We're not sure what our plans are for Canada Day yet, but I'm sure we'll do something fun. Usually we go to Rustico on our friend's boat, spend the day there enjoying the festivities, and watch the fireworks. I'm not sure if we'll do that this year or not, we have a few other invites too. I'll leave you with one of my favorite images from two years ago as we sailed to Rustico on Canada Day. Looking at this makes me feel peaceful...

The sun is up over the horizon now and the birds have been serenading me for an hour, so I'm going to try and catch a few winks before my kitchen is filled with hungry boys once again. 'Night!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Sometimes all it takes is a phone call to get the ball in motion. Like today, for instance. First though, a little history.

Anyone who knows me well knows that for the last two years I have been seriously considering the idea of Homeschooling my kids. For many different reasons. I'm pretty sure Ex will have quite a lot of negative stuff to say about Madeline being homeschooled, and I'm pretty sure he's going to try and fight me all the way on it. But with Terran and Connor, I think it'll be OK. Connor especially. Since he's only three, we can start homeschooling him without having to go through all the red tape of writing intentions to the Dept. Of Education, etc. For now. And it helps that Levi supports this decision also. So I've been talking to other homeschooling mothers, gathering information, reading, researching, and am a member on PEI I've been fairly quiet on the message boards, just "listening" and getting a feel for the homeschooling community. One of the perks of being a member of this website is that I also get E-mails of any events going on in the homeschooling community. SO... when I got one regarding a field trip to a historic village in Orwell Corner, I HAD to call and book us in.

This place is amazing. We've been there before when Levi and his family had a horse show. It has an old one room school house complete with slates and a pot bellied stove, an Old General Store, and other quaint buildings, lots of animals and beautiful gardens.
This one was taken a couple of years ago. The Old General Store is in the background. Pretty spot, isn't it?

Anyways, Friday is a "Hands On" day for homeschoolers, and "we" get a reduced group rate of $4 a person. (Normally $20. individually) The day starts with a tour of the buildings and artifacts, and then a picnic lunch. Then there's hands on activities, like Candle Making, Wool Spinning, Ice Cream making, and some stuff going on at the Blacksmith's too. It's a great history lesson, my kids get to meet some homeschooled kids, and I get to chat with some other moms. The best part is that the contact person for this outing lives not far from my house.

All this is just to say I'm excited, not just for Friday, but for this new direction our life is taking. It's like that first exhilarating dash into the ocean, the cold of the water takes you by surprise for a second, but once you're in the water is great. Refreshing even. I took the first step today by actually getting involved. I mean, this means that I'm really going ahead with my decision to homeschool my kids. Once the kids realize how much fun learning can actually be, it'll be a refreshing change for us all.

Ugly Side of Divorce

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail. It was a form that I had requested from my ex-husband about three months ago. This form was necessary in order to revise the amount of child support that one must pay, since the guidelines and amounts have changed as of May 1, 2006. (They've actually gone down.) Since I have not requested any changes to the Child Support Order or Parental Agreement since they were originally drafted in 2001, it was high time to revise.

One section of the agreement states that Ex must provide me with his tax forms by May 1st of each year, and I am to do the same if he requests. (Since I am a stay-at-home mom, he knows that I don't really have an income, doesn't he? Does he really think that I make more than he, an Engineer, does?) This has been done once in 2003. Like the doormat that I am, I let it slide. No review, no adjustments. Levi thinks that I am waaayy too nice to him, considering all that he has put me through after we had separated.

Like how he didn't pay child support or paid $100 a month until the court ordered an actual amount.

Like all the times that he never picked up the kids when they were waiting for him.

Like the time he went down south with his snotty girlfriend and OOPS! Got married to her and neglected to tell the kids. (His explanation was that I was pregnant. Huh?!? WTF?? Okay, so babies sometimes just happen. But marriages in another country? Not so much.)

Or the time that he refused to pay his share of daycare expenses and I had to find alternate childcare because of "nonpayment." I was *ahem* "not really working" I was "volunteering". (This was right after 9/11 and I was working at the Red Cross. We had sent some people to New York and I was helping out in the office beyond my normal paid hours.) True, that part was unpaid, but it did result in me being offered a permanent office position. Our agreement states that he must pay a certain percentage of daycare expenses as a result of any employment, education, illness, disability, training for employment,etc.

Or the time that he called me while I was on a course in Toronto, claiming that he was going to remove Madeline from school four days from the end of the year and have her stay with his parents, because he wasn't happy with the care that she was receiving for the hour and a half after school until Levi got home. (She was being looked after by Levi's mother, but apparently he didn't believe that.) He even phoned the school...
Upon my return home a week later, he had a Social Worker show up at my door because he seriously thought that I was leaving Madeline unattended after school. The Social Worker was very satisfied that she was well cared for and left shaking his head at the lengths that Some People would go to just to cause trouble for another person.

OR the time that he wrote a letter to MY lawyer, stating that I tried to screw him out of money by telling him that he could claim our daughter (after my refusal to sign a letter saying that she lived with him 50% of the time, which she absolutely never has) and then went ahead and claimed her myself. In the same letter he cited that my "personal opinions regarding my wife and myself..." are of concern to him and he is worried about the affect that this is having on his daughter. Yeah, whatever. This one was because I had asked for his tax returns for years 2001-2003.

I could go on and on, but it won't get me any closer to my point. Ah yes, the most recent letter. He seems to (or rather The Wife seems to) get quite defensive and UGG - LEE when a request goes out for his tax information. After being promised the information on numerous occasions, I finally had it in my hands. Opening up the envelope, I noticed that a letter had been attached to the tax form.

Once again typed up by The Wife, he demands "a copy of Madeline's report card mailed to (him)... as well as a copy of the school calendar so I am aware of the dates when she is not attending classes. Also, ... I want to receive notifications from Maddie's health care professionals, ie, family physician, pediatrician, dentist, regarding any issues that they feel I should be informed of... Give these instructions in writing to the school and health care professionals... give them my work number, cellular number as well as my mailing address. If I am unavailable, please instruct them to speak with my wife..."

Ummm, what the hell is this? Let's break this down, shall we?

* Report card - When she gets it, she takes it to show him, her grandparents,and anyone else who will look at it. And forget parent teacher interviews. Hasn't been to one of these either, even with a week's notice.

*School calendar - Like he's going to take a day off and see her? He never has before. And on days when she has had a long weekend, he has known about it and she has even spent a few of these days at his house, only to be looked after by The Wife's Parents while he worked. And what about March Break? Why does he always take the two weeks before March break to go South with The Wife, but never takes one of those weeks to spend with Maddie during her break?

* Notifications from healthcare professionals - OK, these cost money. Is he gonna pay for it? I have always phoned him (his machine) when she needed to see a doctor. "Hey, it's me, I had Maddie to the Dr. today, he said she has a sinus infection. She's on antibiotics and has to go back in 10 days for a re-check." Or " She had her dental check-up today. She has a cavity. He also suggested a device for her mouth... He wants you to stop in and see him." Keep in mind that the dentist is also his dentist AND a friend from school. And the clinic is in the same mall where Ex goes to the gym. Almost daily. He hasn't been in yet.

* Instruct them to speak with my wife - Ummm... NO. FRIGGIN. WAY. Last time I checked, she wasn't Madeline's mommy. I am. And last time I checked, Ex was her other parent, not The Wife. I didn't see anything in the court order giving her decision making priveledges concerning my daughter. Levi doesn't even do that, and he lives with us. And if Ex is too busy to be a parent and can't handle a phone call regarding his daughter, then maybe he should just let me handle things. Oh! Wait! I already am!

So, yeah. There it is. Another Happy Letter from The Happy Couple because I had the nerve to ask for something I am legally entitled to. Oh! And when I finally did get to speak to him about it, when he called the day after Father's Day because I left him a message on Father's Day telling him that Maddie was upset that she tried calling several times to wish him a happy Father's Day and he wasn't answering? He said it was "nothing personal." Just something he and his lawyer "talked about one night out at the bar." Right.

It happens every time. Makes me wonder though, if I will have to put up with his bullshit every year, or every time some change needs to be made. For as long as I have my daughter living with me, I really believe that Ex is still out to make sure that I don't have anything more than what he thinks I deserve, and will constantly try to find ways to create stress in my life and try to control my happiness. This, my friends, is one of the Ugly Sides of Divorce. I think it's time for Some People to move on with their life, don't you? Almost six years later,and it's Still. Friggin'. Ugly.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Lost and Found

One snuggly little boy, blonde with blue eyes, who likes to give his mama big smooches and hugs. Could normally be found making towers out of lego, pushing little dinky cars around on the floor and clinging to his mama's leg if she tried to walk out the door.

One pre-teenage boy, blonde with blue eyes, who is leaving his mama soon to hang out with his Army Cadet buddies in Northern New Brunswick. He will be going to CFB Gagetown for two weeks this July for training camp. This handsome young man was discovered at a recent graduation in which he was promoted in rank from Cadet to Trooper. He closely resembles the child in above picture, but could not be the same person as this young man is clearly on his way to becoming an adult, and the last time his mother looked, he was still a baby...

How does this happen? I mean, aren't they supposed to stay little for a while so we can enjoy them? I have been sobbing my eyes out for the last couple of days trying to figure out what has happened to my small babies. They are replaced by equally pleasant, enjoyable (by times) good citizens who closely resemble the babies they once were, but still... Is it selfish of me to want my babies back, even for a little while longer? I wish I could keep them like this...

During a very moving speech from the Captain to his Corp, I found myself misting up yet again. His words still echo in my mind; "Look deep within yourselves and give it all you've got... Always remember that you can achieve anything you set your mind to. I believe in you.... You have all made me very proud this past year." I looked over at Terran again, standing so proud in his uniform, and was startled to realize that one day soon, he will be an adult. Already he is becoming responsible, independent, and making plans for himself that have absolutely nothing to do with me. He still asks me about my opinion, but he is his own person now.
His Cadet Captain told me later that I have "a great young man there".

I already know that. I welcome this new young man into our family, he really is a good, kind person. I'm just not ready to let go of my baby yet.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Small Stuff

One day last week I was bustling around the kitchen making supper while I was washing the dishes from lunch (and breakfast). While I was doing this, I was also doing laundry. I tripped over a million pairs of shoes in the laundry room while attempting to carry yet another load of dirty clothes to the washing machine, and tripped over the same mountain of shoes on my way back out with the clean clothes to be folded. I cursed the shoes under my breath and announced to Whoever Might Be Listening that if I tripped over them again I was going to burn them all and the owners would have to go barefoot for the rest of the summer.

Once I got to the kitchen table and dumped the clean clothes onto it, Madeline began whining about how she didn’t “get” her homework and would I please help her. It was also around this time that a very grumpy Connor decided that her homework looked like the perfect spot to draw pictures, so he kept trying to climb onto her chair and scribble on her work.

“Mommy, I can’t do this… Con-nor! No Connor! Get down!!… Mommy! STOP Connor!! Mom! Connor is tryin’ to… NO Connor!! MOM-EEEE!”

Meanwhile, Connor is taking a tantrum: “Eeennnggghh! Maddie! I want to draw! Nnnnnn! Uhhhhh….I WAAANT UPPP!! I want to DRAAAAW Maddie!! Uhhh huhhhh! Waaahhhhh! WAAA-HAAA!!! Then he crumbled onto the floor and screamed. Very loudly.

It was here that Terran saunters into the kitchen and says to me in a dead voice; “Oh yeah, I have cadets tonight at six.” I stopped in my tracks for a moment, glanced at the clock and saw that it was 5:15. In disbelief I looked at him – sweaty and dirty from playing outside and waiting for me to tell him what to do. I didn’t disappoint. “Don’t you think you should be in the shower then instead of in here doing nothing?” I snapped.

“Whatever.” He snorted as he headed for the stairs. He mumbled something but I couldn’t hear it over the escalating tantrum happening on the floor in front of me.

By this point Madeline was shrieking about a pencil mark on her work, Connor was on the floor kicking and screeching at the top of his lungs, and the potatoes were boiling over. Rushing to the stove, I tripped over the dog, who panicked and bolted for the door. In doing so, she walked on the cat, who was sleeping on the mat in front of the sink. The cat of course hissed and swiped at the dog, who panicked some more and ran back to me, bumping into my legs and causing me to burn my hand on the steam rolling out of the pot.

Madeline was whining “He ruined my HOMEWORK!!”
Connor was screaming “ I WAAANT TO DRAAAWWW!!”
Terran was yelling from the bathroom upstairs “MOM! There’s no hot water!!”
The washer started spinning off balance, banging and rattling the entire back porch. By now, the other two cats had to get in on the action, so all four animals were flying around the kitchen like someone was chasing them with a knife. My hand was burning. Cursing, I dropped the lid, where it fell onto the stove and then onto the floor, spitting little beads of boiling water onto my bare arms and legs like miniature daggers. Then it happened.

I lost it.

“That’s IT!! EVERYBODY knock it OFF!!!” I shouted. Sucking in another breath as fast as I could, I continued my rant “I’VE HAD ENOUGH!! JUST STOP IT!! What the hell is WRONG with you guys anyways? You’re all making me CRAZY!!”

For a split second, there was silence. Or maybe that was just my brain exploding. “Nice. Way to go, dumbass” it chastised me.

The washer continued to squeal and clunk loudly in the porch. Connor sucked in his breath long enough to fuel another scream. Madeline sniffled and then started bawling. The animals looked at me as if I had grown three heads, then scampered off into the rest of the house. Terran continued to yell down for me to shut the washer off.

I wanted to disappear. I felt weak and suddenly very drained. As if on autopilot, I slowly picked up the lid off the floor, put it back on the pot, turned the burner down, then shut the washing machine off. In the midst of all the chaos, I eased myself into a chair, ignoring the world around me. “What is wrong with me? What the hell was I doing? Why? Why did I just freak out like that?”

“Because you’ll never be perfect, Amy. They don’t expect you to be.”

I realized then that I was not living my life for me and my family, but for everyone else. I was letting other people’s expectations of me as a stay-at-home-mom dictate how I was managing my home. I was swimming upstream against a strong current. Why? Why was it so important to me what other people thought, when I had just lost it in front of my kids? Did I feel that I had something to prove because I wasn’t working outside the home? Did I feel that somehow I had to conform to their expectations because otherwise I would seem lazy? Like a bad wife and mother? Somehow I became so consumed with meeting these expectations, I failed to realize what I was doing to my children. I was robbing them of their mother. And now I had hurt them because I felt inadequate.

“I’m losing it. I’m friggin’ losing it.” I muttered to Nobody In Particular. Putting my head in to my hands, I drew a shaky breath. The tears were stinging my eyes, yet I didn’t cry. My throat was raw, and my insides felt empty. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I violated something somewhere, perhaps it was my own sense of self along with my children’s feelings. This was not the mother I wanted to be. I felt like such a failure. Their little hearts are in my hands, and I crushed them. I was so careless with their feelings. How could I do that to my beautiful children? Do they know how much I love them? Are they feeling unloved right now?

“I’m sorry guys.” It came out in a whisper. “I’m really sorry guys.” I tried again. “I should never have said that.” I picked up my sobbing toddler up off the floor and kissed the top of his head as I pulled the sniffling Madeline to me for a hug. My tears spilled over. “I’m so sorry. Mommy loves you sooo much. I’m having a really bad day and I took it out on you guys and that was wrong of me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, embracing and soothing our hurts. I felt their warm little bodies against mine, and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. How I love them! They’re growing so fast, this is not what I want them to remember about their childhood. They need to express themselves, however much I might disagree. They need to cry. They need to giggle. They need to whine. They need to argue amongst themselves and solve their own problems. They need direction when they can’t find it on their own, but they need to try first. They need to get dirty and be smelly sometimes and they need to know that they are loved unconditionally. They need to be little. I was reckless with their feelings. I had taken them for granted, and they still loved me. I silently vowed to try harder, to do better, to be a better mom for them. To be the mom I know I was meant to be, not the mom other people think that I should be.

As picturesque as it is to think of a warm loving home where children play a board game happily together on a braided rug on the floor in front of the fireplace…smiling Mother prepares dinner in her pearls and heels, hair neatly in place…whistling Father arrives in the evening to an immaculate home and sets his briefcase (okay, lunchbox and workboots) by the door and is greeted with hugs and smiles and a hot dinner (not Hamburger Helper) on the beautifully set table where you can actually use a real cloth table cloth instead of plastic placemats because the children’s table manners are quite good… these days just don’t exist at my house most times.

I think maybe every mom has days like this. The days where we just wish we had a solution for everything, a calm demeanor and an organized home. I realize that every individual family has their own coping strategies, and I have to use the one that works best for my family. For example, my friend only does laundry on Mondays and Thursdays. She is raising six kids. Six. To me, she seems organized, relaxed, seems to have a pretty good handle on All Things Family. If you were to ask her, she would laugh as she hands out a snack to her toddler while picking up hockey gear off the floor and say that her life is one giant car pool and call it “organized chaos.” She genuinely seems to love it. She doesn’t sweat the small stuff. In retrospect, it is all small stuff, really. Laundry gets washed, the plants get watered, pets get fed, the floors get scrubbed, supper gets cooked, and the homework gets done. So what if the house isn’t spotless every day? Who really cares if there are six loads of laundry instead of two?

It’s the important stuff that will enrich my life, and it is the important stuff that humbles me. The important stuff is worth crying over, especially if you learn something from it. The important stuff is the fragility and innocence of the hearts and feelings of my children, and remembering that without them I would not be a mother at all.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Little Tidbits

Potty Conversation between Connor and I

I was in the kitchen doing breakfast dishes, he was in the living room sitting on the potty and eating breakfast (!!) because I make the best oatmeal in the world and he could not bear to leave it long enough to sit and pee.

Connor (from the living room): Mama! I peed!

Me: Good job sweetie! I'm so proud of you!

Connor (rushing out to the kitchen, stark naked): Mama! Come see! I peed on my oatmeal!! Come see Mama!

Me (startled): What? You peed in your oatmeal?!? Honey... *rush to living room*

Connor (staring and pointing proudly into potty): See? I peed on my oatmeal! Are you so proud of me??

Me (looking at a little blob of oatmeal that must have fallen into the potty as he was stitting there eating/peeing): Oh! Uh... Good job for peeing in the potty sweetheart! *pick up bowl of oatmeal from little table in front of potty and inspect it* Uhh, let's finish this in the kitchen...

Laundry Conversation between Connor and I

I was hanging laundry out on the clothesline with Connor playing on the deck beside me.

Connor: It's a beautiful sunny day today Mommy!

Me: Yes, it is. It's a great day for hanging the clothes outside! * I hang up the top of my bathing suit that I had worn the day before*

Connor: Uhh.. Mommy?? Are you hanging up your boobs?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Mother's Day 2006

Happy Mother's Day!

Today I fell in love with my family all over again and was reminded why I cherish this "unpaid" job of motherhood so much. I wish I had a camera so I could share all the pictures with you, but all I have are the special little moments from today that I've imprinted into my memory. Ready?

* This morning, Connor sat on the big bed and casually chatted with me about his brother and sister. He affectionately refers to them as his "kids." Today he was wondering "When are my kids going to wake up?" and informed me that "My kids are growing so much. Terran is big enough..."

* Madeline used her creativity yet again and wowed us with a wonderful fruit tray of apples, banana and melon with yogurt in the middle for dipping. Her gift to me was a beautiful handmade card and a bookmark with pressed flowers on it. The little poem on the bookmark almost made me cry, and the part of her card where she had scrawled in her best handwriting that I was her best friend actually did.

* Terran put the kettle on for me this morning to make a mug of Lemon Echinacea tea, because I have a cold, and with it a nasty sore throat. He also pleasantly surprised me with a rare display of public affection (in front of our neighbor), in which he wrapped both arms around me for the best Terran hug I've had in a long time.

* Levi created a beautiful breakfast of hemp granola, almonds, rasins, and raspberries layered on top of plain yogurt and served it to me in a large wine goblet. He (I mean the kids) also thrilled me with a gift card to one of my favorite stores and the new Oprah magazine.

* When I was in the bathroom this morning, Connor was pounding on the door yelling "Happy Mother's Day!". I opened the door to a dirty faced, beaming three year old thrusting a chubby fistfull of dandelions at me. "Happy Mother's Day Mama!" I scooped him up in my arms and hugged him, breathed in the earthy smell of him and tried not to weep.

* We went fishing this morning, and at one point, Levi and the three kids were all lined up against the bridge rail, silently looking over the edge into the water below, holding their fishing poles and waiting. It was like something in a painting. What struck me in that moment was the sheer beauty of it all, the warmth of the sun and the angle at which it shone on their faces, the sounds of the birds, and the unexpected stillness of everyone. I held my breath for fear of breaking the spell, and drank in the sight of my family, the entire time feeling as if my heart would burst with love for them.

* A little later, Levi came up from the brook with Connor under one arm, and laughed "He fell in." In an instant, Connor was in front of me with one leg soaked to the hip while Levi pulled off his little rain boot and dumped out a bunch of water. It was so insanely comical, I half expected to see a little fish flopping around on the ground.

* After a trip to Summerside in which the main purpose was to return a Max & Ruby DVD to the video store, we returned home with our bellies full of Burger King's finest and Max & Ruby still sitting on the floor of the van. This was our second attempt to return it...

* Levi and the kids were playing soccer for a bit in the back yard while I laid on a blanket on the grass and read my new Fitness magazine. Levi came over to join me, then Connor wanted a snuggle with "Mama and Daddy" so we amused ourselves by listening to the conversation/arguement between Terran and Madeline, who were at this point scaling the sides of the swing set and grabbing onto the swing ropes in an attempt to "Tarzan" their way across. Levi and I both looked at each other with confusion, chuckled, and shook our heads. Neither one of us "gets" them.

* Connor was dancing in the kitchen as I was writing this, and declared, "I'm dancin' my arse hole off!" I'm still giggling, even though this sort of talk is completely inappropriate and I have no idea where he would hear something like that.

* Levi has steak on the BBQ. And mushrooms and onions. 'Nuff said...

Perhaps the best gift this year for Mother's Day is realizing how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful family, and knowing that they love me as much as I love them.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Sweet Ride

This was way too cool, because I have been lusting after this car since I first saw it!! If I win the big bucks, this baby is coming home with me!! Besides being totally hot, it's a Saturn!! I Heart Saturn!

You Should Drive a Saturn Sky

You're sleek and smooth, and you need a car to match your hot persona.
Besides, sometimes you want your top up - and sometimes you want it down.

The Good Husband's Guide To...

Dealing With a Wife In Pain: See Also - A light hearted attempt to poke fun at a shitty situation!!

1. Always offer to drive your wife to the hospital if she is in excruciating pain. She does not want to drive herself. Telling her that she can go in herself and that you wanted to exercise will result in a pain induced meltdown from your wife, whereupon she will cry like a baby, call you a jerk, and throw her slipper in your general direction. You will also not get laid for a long time.

2. Upon your arrival at the hospital with your wife, eating a bag of Cheetos Crunchits (knowing they are your wife's favorite) in front of your wife as she suffers mouth pain and is unable to eat any herself or tell you off, well that's just cruel. Again, the no sex rule may be justly applied to this situation.

3. After waiting for hours at the hospital emergency room, your wife may be tired. She wants to come home, pop some pills and fall asleep. Kissing her neck, nibbling her ears, and whispering that you have something that will make her feel better is adding fuel to the wrong fire. Unless it's a strong dose of pain killers, save it. She doesn't care. She's still hurting, and still pissed about the Cheetos thing.

4. After returning home and your wife discovers that her monthly friend is visiting yet again, she is now experiencing killer cramps in addition to her mouth pain. Whining about how long it's been since the Old Fella has seen any action and that you can't even get a blowjob may result in the injury and/or dismemberment of certain Old Fella.

5. When calling the wife's boss to inform him that she is unable to work her scheduled shift the next day, telling him that she is "whacked out on drugs" may result in her having to pee in a bottle upon her arrival back to work. This is a no-no, even if her job is serving alcohol to already very drunk people.

6. Taking the family for a drive is a wonderful idea, however swinging by the drive thru at Tim Horton's and devouring a Chocolate Caramel Filled donut in front of your wife who has only been able sip fluids is probably not a great idea after all. Remember that: Woman plus Period plus Chocolate = Week from Hell for HER. Woman plus Period minus Chocolate = Week from Hell for YOU.

7. Lastly, remember that no matter how much you love your wife and how great you've been about cooking the tasty meals (that she can't eat) and how wonderful you've been with the kids and the housework, your wife really does appreciate and love you. Just don't expect to get laid!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


Mother Nature can be a real bitch sometimes:

Quoted cost of extraction: $80.00
Actual cost of Extraction: $150.00
Cost of Ibuprofen and medicated mouth rinse: $21.00
Cost of follow up visit: $80.00
Cost of Tylenol #3, Tea Tree Oil, Clove Oil for Pain Relief, and Natural Toothpaste (the Sodium Lauryl Sulfates in regular toothpaste irritates cankers and other mouth sores. It's actually classed as an "irritant to skin, eyes and mucous membranes," yet we have it in our soaps, shampoos and toothpastes? Go figure! ): $37.00
Cost of Gas to get Tea Tree Oil and Clove Oil(because the natural food store in Summerside closed and you have to go to Charlottetown now): $20.00
Cost of Gas to go to Hospital when things get really bad: $10.00
Cost of Antibiotics and Toradol(more pain killers): $53.00
Cost of Meal Replacement Drinks (because Spaghetti in a blender isn't really all that great unless you're 8 months old, and it still hurts way too much to eat it that way): $14.00
Total Cost of "80.00" extraction so far (I have to go back again tomorrow if I'm still not any better): $385.00
Starting my period during all this: F*@#ing PRICELESS !!

Friday, March 31, 2006

The Chair

Monday morning at 9:30 I was in "The Chair".

Let me first say that this is the coziest dentist's office I've ever been in. Nothing like my old dentist's office in the city- cold white walls, sterile, contemporary, clinical. This is the country, and things here are homey. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the smell. Not the ususal "dentist office smell", but the aroma of fresh coffee. The reception area boasted an old fireplace with a thick wood mantle, a braided rug lay on the floor, and there was a colorful quilt hanging on one of the sandy colored walls. In the corner was an old whitewashed buffet and hutch, a creeping ivy set on top with leafy green tendrils trailing down its sides. This hutch displayed simple white mugs on its shelves and the coffee pot that was responsible for the delicious aroma was happily gurgling away. How welcoming! If these things were supposed to help patients feel relaxed, it worked. The soothing colors of the walls, the tranquil beach scene framed above the mantle... Even climbing into "The Chair" wasn't that bad. A large window looked out in to the back yard, framing yet another peaceful scene. A white fence running behind a maple tree, and a colorful trio of bird houses on a platform beside the tree. How nice! This wasn't going to be so bad after all...

Five needles, 45 minutes and a whole lot of pressure later, the tooth finally emerged from its socket. IT WAS HELL!! I thought the worst part was when he scraped inside the socket after the tooth was out and hit my jaw bone. Or maybe it was when he was putting so much pressure on the tooth that I thought my jaw was going to pop out of joint on the other side. Boy, was I wrong.

Before I go any further, let my just say that I am not ususally a whimp. I have had a toenail ripped completely off, and went to work minutes later. I have managed to carry on with a cracked rib. I have given birth three times without drugs and went shopping two days later. I have dealt with wisdom tooth pain, canker sore pain, sprained ankle pain, bladder infection pain, pain of all sorts. This is by far the worst.

The day after the extraction, I called the office. Was my socket supposed to look like that? I expected it to hurt some, but should it really be hurting this much? It's getting worse, not better. Is it maybe infected? Two days after the extraction, I'm sitting in "The Chair" again. It turns out that I have something called "Dry Socket" and it's not a good thing. Something about not enough blood to form a clot, exposed bone and nerve endings. And pain. Lots of it. Two needles, more scraping, some white knuckles and sweaty palms, the dentist puts something that smells like cloves into the gaping hole in my mouth. Funky. He writes me a prescription for some Tylenol 3 with Codene, and I leave with 80 dollars less in the bank just for this visit. Monday's visit, which was supposed to cost $60 ended up costing $150 because it became "surgical" . The translation for this is "We're puttin' the screws to ya!" So far, we're up to $230 for this tooth. So far....

It's now Friday, and I'm still hurting a lot. The Tylenol isn't working. Nothing is working. And I have three HUGE cankers on the gums under my tongue, where he gave me the needles to freeze me. Those don't help anything either. I don't want to go in again (can't afford to!!), but it's looking like I might need to. When I went in on Wednesday, he told me that about 5-10 percent of patients with extractions get Dry Socket. Usually smokers. I don't smoke. Leave it to me to be one of the few... He also asked me if my jaw was hurting, because his arm was still sore two days later. Funny guy. He told me the story of how he had a guy in the very same chair the day before, who had 6 teeth pulled, and it took half an hour to get them all out. Lucky bastard. I know who it is and he'll not be feeling any pain. He's at the bar all the time, and carries a pretty good stash at all times. Note to self... call him.

I should have told Mr.Dentist that I feel like I might have stopped a brick wall with my face, that giving birth was less painful than this, that I would gladly try any sort of drug now, legal or not, if it would stop the pain I'm feeling in my mouth. I should have mentioned that I think my husband is plotting to have me "taken care of", because I haven't eaten or slept in many days because of the pain and I am making his life and everyone else's a living hell. But instead, I politely thanked him and went on my way. As best as I could anyway. It may have sounded a bit like "Thanks for screwing me over, ya sadistic bastard", you know, with the freezing and all.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Birthdays and Other Business

Happy Birthday to Connor!! And to Blog! I've been really lax about blogging lately...Connor, who was doing so well this winter in terms of illnesses (hasn't been sick since September compared to every 2 weeks last winter!) came down with a particularly nasty bout of Pneumonia and had quite an ordeal with it. He was sick for his third birthday (March 17), so we really didn't have any sort of celebration at all. He did get his new car seat and some cool clothes, as well as some Hot Wheels and a foam bat and balls. So, regardless of his sickness, he still smiled and attempted to play on his birthday. He is on the road to recovery now, although he is still extremely pale, tires very easily, and still has quite a cough. He has to go back to the Dr. next Tuesday for another check-up, but he is sounding better every day.

And it's been a whole year since I started my blog! I hope to be able to post more frequently in the coming year. I realize that I will probably never be one of these incredible writers who posts every day and always has something inspiring or humorous or wise to write about, but I do want to try and post at least once a week.

What a year it's been! This time last year, the kids were just going back to school from March Break, we had our first ever (and fun!) candy- free Easter, and I was just newly engaged. Connor was constantly sick, we were figuring out the dairy/wheat/sugar allergy thing and it's relation to his constant sickness. I was going to be entering a new (grown-up) phase in my life (Thirty) and wasn't sure how I felt about it. Madeline was turning eight, Terran was turning twelve, Connor had just entered the "terrible two's", which turned out to be not so terrible. Okay, so he had his moments, but still... My parents came to visit from Newfoundland, the wedding and honeymoon happened in the blink of an eye, and life began to settle in to a new "normal", or so I thought. Terran started junior high and joined Army Cadets, Madeline began to "develop" both socially and physically, and Connor began to turn into a real little person, with demands and opinions and chattery conversation. And a sense of humor! What a funny little guy he's becoming! Our dog doesn't puke nearly as much as she did last year, but she still does it occasionally, and our new cat Toby is a fun and crazy addition to our family.

There have been quite a few rough patches along this stretch of road, and I guess that happens in life too. There have been some pretty sad times over the past year, some "holding-your-breath-and-waiting" days too. It gets hard sometimes to keep everything in perspective, but it helps to try and keep on the positive side of things. I've realized that there are a ton of people there to support and encourage when things aren't going so well, and those same people are there to help celebrate the good times too. No matter what lies ahead this year, I know that I will continue to appreciate the love and caring of the people that surround me. I will try to take the best part of every day and hold it close to me, cherish the sweetness of my kids kisses and savor their warm hugs. They are growing so fast, these babies of mine. Here's to another year of Chubby Hugs and Sticky Kisses!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


Yesterday I waited for my son to get off the bus.

He is twelve, and has been a treasure to me since the moment of his birth. He is my firstborn, and he is special. Sure, we have our moments when I am too overbearing, or he is too flip or careless with his remarks, but we have a mutual deep love for each other. We have always had a special bond, I think formed in part because of the fact that for a little while in our lives, it has just been the two of us. Terran, my special guy, my little man.

I began to think of all the things that make him who he is. He is moody, but he is twelve. He is also known to smell funky from time to time and have less than clean hair, but again, he is twelve. He likes to build things, mostly from Lego. He is an incredible artist and pays attention to detail in all his sketches. He skateboards. He loves his baby brother and his sister, and although he will not admit to either,I can see that he does. He picks on Madeline. He calls Connor his buddy. He struggles with shyness around adults and is uncomfortable in new situations. He likes shopping for groceries when it is just he and I, and we crack jokes about cheese and eat pickled eggs. He dislikes change. He is genuinely a good kid. He is my boy.

So I waited for the bus to arrive with my son.

While I waited, I thought about all the times he has kept me awake, how I wished that he would sleep for even two hours at a time when he was a baby. I thought about how squeaky his voice was when he was three, and how he knew the difference between a spur gear and a helical gear at that age. I smiled a little when I thought about how squeaky his voice was getting now, on the brink of adolescence. I thought about how easy he was to toilet train, and how he never wet the bed when he was little unless he had a fever. I thought about how suddenly he gets sick with a high fever, and for three years in a row he had strep throat on his birthday. I thought about how brave he was when he walked tearless from the neighbor's house last summer, holding his broken arm against his body as the other boys walked silently alongside him with his twisted bike. I thought about his fine blonde hair, his clear blue eyes, and how fast he was growing up, and away from me.

Then I thought of someone else. Another mother who lost her thirteen year old son last week in a tragic ATV accident. His funeral is tomorrow. I have known the boy's aunt and uncle for many years, and have met the boy, his twin brother, and his mother on a few occasions. The news of his death shook me to the core. I cannot begin to imagine the grief his family must be feeling. I wish the family peace and comfort in these dark days, and my heart breaks for his mother, who is living every mother's worst nightmare. I pray that she will find the strength to get through this horrible tragedy.

Yesterday I waited for my son to get off the bus.

When he walked into the house, I hugged him tightly and told him that I loved him. I told him how much he means to me as I held him close to me and kissed the top of his blonde head. And then I cried. I cried for myself, thankful that I had my son to hug me back, and I cried for the all the mothers who would trade their own lives for one more chance to do just that.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Yeah, So...Anyways...

This is Connor's new saying of late. He could be happily playing with his Hot Wheels on the floor, and then have one say to the other, sighing, "Yeah, so...anyways.." Where does he get this from???? I personally find it quite funny, a little odd maybe, but it tickles my funny bone that a two year old can sound so much like, well... my mother!

Speaking of my bones and Connor, he is one rough kid to play with. There should be a warning stuck to his forehead somewhere... "Warning! Playing with this child can result in personal injury that may require medical attention...Do not attempt unless you are a trained professional..." Professional what, I'm not sure, but it sounded good at the time. Stunt double, maybe? At least that's what the doctor told me when he confirmed that my lovable bundle of "Ballamtimes Day" smoochy boy had indeed cracked my rib. Really. He cracked it!! It hurts a bit, but I'm OK. Apparently I had received this injury while playing on the floor with my sweet boy. He likes to jump on me and give me kisses and sometimes just roll over me (read steamroll) just for the sake of tumbling. He sometimes gets carried away and jumps knees first, and this particular time he did just that. I knew when he landed knees first on my unsuspecting side that he had done a bit of damage. My first clue was the shot of pain that went searing up my back and across my front. The second clue was that I couldn't breathe for a minute. You know that feeling you get when the wind gets knocked out of you by a punch in the gut or something? Like that, only with a two year old still gleefully jumping on me and shreiking "Mama! Play with me!" I eventually got up and shook it off, but continued to feel supersensitive for a few days before making the trip to the hospital. It will mend on it's own, but it's going to be a little sore for a bit. I've been Ok so far with Advil once in a while, so I'm gonna stick with that.

As it turns out, Connor is also apparently a danger to himself too. This morning he gave himself what looks like the beginnings of a black eye. I was in the bathroom at the time, so I'm not entirely sure what had happened, but he tells me that his pajamas hurt his eye. Hmmm.... not so sure about that one, but Yeah, So...Anyways...

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Someone's Watching Over Me

I decided to write this post over the course of a couple of days, mainly because I wanted to see how I still felt the next morning about things.

Things around here have been tough, as many of you are aware. Three weeks ago we went to the doctor, this time for Levi, and received a diagnosis of depression. It could be a seasonal thing, it might not be. All I know is that for months, my husband has been slowly replaced by someone of a different nature. I'm hoping that with help from his medication and love and support from us, he will reappear as the man I fell in love with. I realize that this is nobodys fault, certainly not his, and that depression is still one of those things that a lot of people don't really like to talk about because of the stigma still attatched to it. Truth is, depression is another one of those things like diabetes or heart disease, you find out you have it and treat it. Anybody can end up with it. So I guess I'm writing about it because I need an outlet. The last few days have been extremely emotional for me.

I so desprately miss my husband. Once in a while I still see bits of the old Levi, but it's not very often. I feel like he's lost and that I'm waiting, holding my breath for him to come in through the door so we can pick up our life again. In the meantime, I try to maintain some sort of relationship with the person who is here, but it's hard for me. I mean, he still looks like Levi, and tells me that he loves me, but he's not the same person. I find it difficult carrying everything by myself, trying to always be "up" around him, and having nobody to discuss my problems with. It must be so hard for him too, and I'm sure he is missing our old relationship. I feel so sad about this, for him, for me, for all of us.

I am breaking off a friendship with a girl who is a nice person when she's sober, but she's also a girl who can't control her liquor. She likes her drinks on the weekend, and when we're anywhere (including my wedding) she can turn ugly in a hurry with a few drinks in her. Suddenly she thinks everyone is talking about her, looking at her weird, or wanting to fight with her. So she gives dirty looks to complete strangers who might just be looking at her, wondering who she is because she's a new face, or because she's a cute little blonde. It's a great way to offend people without even opening your mouth, or an even better way to get your face beat in. Especially when you're on someone else's turf and acting like that. I'm really sick of having people come up to me and ask what my friends problem is. Aside from the fact that it reflects badly on me because I brought her there in the first place, it scares the shit out of me. When a gang of six girls came up to my van wanting to "talk" before we left, I had to cover her ass once again, and spent a lot of time smoothing ruffled feathers. I do not fight. I have never been in a fight, and really think it's stupid. But my friend will fight, and she will say (and did say) as much. So I told her to shut up, and once again talked to these girls who she had offended, apologizing for her behavior, etc. I think if it wasn't for the fact that they knew who I was, and that they liked me the few times they had seen me before, it would've been an ugly scene. So that's enough of that bullshit for me. I don't need that to contaminate my life, so I'm cutting my losses and severing the friendship. She's a nice person when she's sober though, and I'm going to miss that. I just wanted to hear the band that was playing...

My sister, who is OK, had an accident yesterday with her truck. The roads have been hell lately, with all the freezing and thawing and refreezing. I still don't know exactly what happened, but she went off the road on her way to work, rolled her truck, and it's looking like it's a write off. Thank God she was wearing her seat belt. I am so relieved that she is unharmed. All this makes me realize, once again, how easy it is to take people for granted, especially the people closest to you.

In addition to all this, Levi gets laid off from work today, which is going to be a very hard thing for us emotionally and financially. I know that it will all work out, it always does, but I need to get from here to there with my family intact. There are days that I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and that I am standing in the dark, waiting, waiting, waiting. This would be easier if the old Levi was here. I miss him so much.

I was listening to Hilary Duff, and was touched by the words to one of her songs. It's from her movie "Raise Your Voice". It's about missing the person you love, having faith in yourself, and no matter how hard things seem sometimes, having the strength to get through it.

"Someone's Watching Over Me"
-Hilary Duff

"Found myself today... oh, I found myself and ran away.
Something pulled me back, voice of reason I forgot I had.
All I know is you're not here to say what you always used to say.
But it's written in the sky tonight.

So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

I've seen that ray of light, and its shining on my destiny,
Shining all the time, and I won't be afraid to follow everywhere its taking me.
All I know is yesterday is gone, and right now I belong
To this moment, to my dreams.

So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

It doesn't matter what people say, and it doesn't matter how long it takes,
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
It only matters how true you are,
Be true to yourself and follow your heart..."

Monday, January 30, 2006

I'm a BAR-bie Girl

Yep. Looks like ya can get by on charm and good looks. I got hired for a job based on nothing but my amazing tanned toned bod, long blonde hair, and killer smile... LOL! (Oh, if only...!)

Where? The local bar, of course! I had my first night on Saturday and surprised myself by actually doing OK. Aside from pouring my dad drinks (2 fingers of rum, 3 fingers of coke!) when I was little, I've never done any bartending before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Turns out that it was easy to get the hang of and fun! I get to see some friends, listen to great music, and get paid! (And I made tips!! Sweet!) The gang that works there is awesome, and the manager is a really nice guy. It's just part time - to bring in a little extra $$ and get me out of the house, and it's only a few minutes from home in a small local club, so it works for us. (And yes, Levi is totally OK with this...!) A lot of people would cringe at working in a bar, but I love the positive energy that flows in a place like that. I think we may be on to something here, girls!

Eat yer heart out, Barbie!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


The wind was howling outside in the cold night as icy pellets of rain assaulted the window panes. In the warmth of the living room, the logs crackled and sizzled in the fireplace, while the glow of the flames danced throughout the darkness of the room. The glasses of wine had been set on the table alongside some chocolates, and music was playing softly in the other room. We had been missing each other and were longing for some time alone to reconnect after the recent stressful weeks. Things had been strained between us lately, and both of us were hoping that this session of quiet togetherness would help to rejuvenate our spirits.

Motioning for me to stretch out on the sofa, he took my foot in his hands and proceeded with a massage. The weight of my body melted in to the sofa as the warmth of his hands caressed my toes and spread throughout my exhausted body. Tears welled up in my eyes and suddenly I was overwhelmed with sadness, happiness, relief, joy. Oh, how I had missed this!! We would be ok, we've just been through a rough time, I reasoned with myself, swallowing the tears.

With the wall of tension soothed away, we proceeded to sip our drinks, pausing to gaze at the fire or nibble away at the chocolates. Sitting silently beside each other, we somehow managed to find our way back to the couple we were weeks ago. I'm not quite sure where we had gone to, or how we had even got there. Somehow, we knew the other was there the entire time, each one waiting for the other to emerge from under our own dark clouds.

Silence really is golden. It helps us express what words cannot. It helps us to hear the sounds of others we miss when we are too absorbed in our own worries. Silence has shouted to me when I needed to be still and listen to my life, or to pay attention and reach out to others. And silence whispers of encouragement, just when it's needed most.