The Anniversary Edition

Three years ago I promised to love my best friend forever.



Three years ago I was moved to tears as he placed a ring on each of my two children's fingers and promised in a broken voice to always love them and cherish them as they were his own.


Three years ago I saw him for what he really was, an incredible man with a heart bigger than life itself, a man with the capacity to love me despite my many flaws.




Three years ago I thought I would die without him by my side.


Three years ago I considered myself the luckiest woman alive, simply because he had chosen to share the rest of his life with me.


Three years ago I would fall in love with him all over again, every time I caught a glimpse of those dimples and that charming grin.


Three years ago...

I still do.

A Day in Numbers

4: number of hours of sleep I had last night. Note to self: chocolate before bed? Not so good.

3: the number of zits I woke up with this morning. Note to self: chasing chocolate before bed with 2 huge glasses of cow's milk is also a very bad idea. BAD.

1: number of times Connor compared my new horns to that of a Triceratops.

4: number of times I looked in the mirror and was reminded why I don't do the dairy thing.

3: number of times I got growled at by one of my kids for calling him by the other kid's name.

2: number of times I spoke to Levi on the phone today!

3: number of times I lost the cordless phone, my cell phone or my apple(?!) in all the chaos of the day's activities.

3: number of times my heart cracked open a little bit today because of something one of the kids said about how much they miss Levi. (or the Christmas Tree...post for another day!)

1: number of times I cried today. (getting better!!)

131,426: number of times I thought about Levi and missed him. (roughly)

17,837: number of needles that fell on the floor when taking the decorations off the tree today.

23,674: number of needles that fell on the floor as I dragged the tree outside.

2: number of needles left on the tree.

7: number of hours spent sorting through books in computer/exercise room. Not only are they now sorted, they are also shelved and categorized by theme,subject and um... in descending height...(I know, I need to get out more)

324: number of books I put on the new shelves for the kids. (I wasn't kidding when I said they had hundreds of books!!)

53: number of books we are donating to the library or hospital because we have doubles or have "moved on" since getting those books.

58: number of books I have to toss out because of damage from dampness (long story, we're not gonna go there tonight), crayons, teeth(??), torn covers, age or other.

435: total number of books I have in the same room with me right now, and I'm a bit giddy knowing that this number does not include any of the books on the "grown up" bookshelf in the sitting room (there's lots there!!), nor does it include any of the books or magazines the kids or I have in our rooms or closets!! (Nerd much?)

6: number of hours of sleep I will get before Connor comes tearing into my bedroom with his Diego pillow/doll thingie and Lion Keekee (sookie blanket) flying behind him if I go to sleep right now!

SIXTEEN: number of years ago I attended the birth of my little sister and earned bragging rights as The Very First One To Hold Her. She was a beautiful baby and has blossomed into a stunning, intelligent young lady. I'm so proud of her for who she is and who she will become! Happy Sweet Sixteenth Kayla! I Love you!

Back On Line!

Merry Christmas! Hapy New Year! I've missed the internet soooo much! My brother-in-law fixed our modem problems today and we are now officially back on line! Hooray!! Thanks Reg!!

So much has happened since my last post in September. In October Levi went to Alberta to work for a few months. He has work here, but nothing in the construction industry is written in stone these days. He had a chance to make some really good money out there, so after many nights of endless discussion we decided that a sacrifice of a few months would be of long term benefit to our little family. It's been hard, to say the least. There have been the usual good and bad days - days when I've felt like completely giving up and calling it quits, and days when I was just contentedly buzzing along in the new daily routine that we've created. We talk on the phone every night and text message several times throughout the day, so that helps tremendously. Still, I miss him and miss having someone to lean on when things get insane around here.

In November Terran became a teenager, Levi turned 27, and I tested my seamstress skills and made an old fashioned dress (think Little House on the Prarie!) for Madeline's play. We also said goodbye to our beloved dog Daisy. She had a tumor and was not going to be well again. We made the difficult decision to have her put down. She is misssed and fondly remembered.

December was in a class all its own. Between trying to get some Christmas shopping done, having the van break down several times, a drunk neighbour stopping by occasionally, hurtful rumors about why Levi is away and what I'm supposedly doing with my free time (??) since he's been away, missing Levi terribly, Horseback riding lessons on Monday evenings, Cadets on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and play rehearsals on Friday evenings, Saturdays and eventually Sundays, I had a bit of a meltdown. Nothing serious, I just stalled. Ran out of gas. Ka-put. Nothing. I woke up one morning and had no desire to do anything for anyone anymore. Levi's mom and I bought a Christmas tree on the 18th. It sat, undecorated, until the 21st. I finally dragged the decorations out of the attic and the kids and I went at it, making the house feel Christmasy at least. But I felt guilty, as if I was robbing the kids of any pre-Christmas excitement. They didn't seem to notice, they had their sights set on the day Levi would return and the Big Jolly Guy would leave loot under the tree - Christmas Eve.

Levi surprised all of us by coming home a day earlier than expected for Christmas. That, for sure, was the best present I could have ever asked for! He arrived home on the 23rd and I dropped him off at the airport very early this morning. He was only here a few short days, but we squeezed every last second out of the time that we had together. Hopefully he'll be home for good by the end of March. The kids and I had a great Christmas with Levi here, and everything was finally set right again. My thoughts became clearer and things were put into perspective once again. The sacrifice he is making is far greater than what I am making, he is the one who is over three thousand kilometers away from his loved ones. I have the kids to hug when I feel lonely, the familliar surroundings of home to soothe me, and I get to witness the joys of parenthood first hand while he has to re-live them through my tellings. I am so proud of him for everything he is willing to do for our family. His strength of character and selfless love for his family are just a few of the many things I love about him, and that is what makes all this worthwhile.

The Good Husband's Guide To...

Dealing With a Wife In Pain: See Also - A light hearted attempt to poke fun at a shitty situation!!

1. Always offer to drive your wife to the hospital if she is in excruciating pain. She does not want to drive herself. Telling her that she can go in herself and that you wanted to exercise will result in a pain induced meltdown from your wife, whereupon she will cry like a baby, call you a jerk, and throw her slipper in your general direction. You will also not get laid for a long time.

2. Upon your arrival at the hospital with your wife, eating a bag of Cheetos Crunchits (knowing they are your wife's favorite) in front of your wife as she suffers mouth pain and is unable to eat any herself or tell you off, well that's just cruel. Again, the no sex rule may be justly applied to this situation.

3. After waiting for hours at the hospital emergency room, your wife may be tired. She wants to come home, pop some pills and fall asleep. Kissing her neck, nibbling her ears, and whispering that you have something that will make her feel better is adding fuel to the wrong fire. Unless it's a strong dose of pain killers, save it. She doesn't care. She's still hurting, and still pissed about the Cheetos thing.

4. After returning home and your wife discovers that her monthly friend is visiting yet again, she is now experiencing killer cramps in addition to her mouth pain. Whining about how long it's been since the Old Fella has seen any action and that you can't even get a blowjob may result in the injury and/or dismemberment of certain Old Fella.

5. When calling the wife's boss to inform him that she is unable to work her scheduled shift the next day, telling him that she is "whacked out on drugs" may result in her having to pee in a bottle upon her arrival back to work. This is a no-no, even if her job is serving alcohol to already very drunk people.

6. Taking the family for a drive is a wonderful idea, however swinging by the drive thru at Tim Horton's and devouring a Chocolate Caramel Filled donut in front of your wife who has only been able sip fluids is probably not a great idea after all. Remember that: Woman plus Period plus Chocolate = Week from Hell for HER. Woman plus Period minus Chocolate = Week from Hell for YOU.

7. Lastly, remember that no matter how much you love your wife and how great you've been about cooking the tasty meals (that she can't eat) and how wonderful you've been with the kids and the housework, your wife really does appreciate and love you. Just don't expect to get laid!

Someone's Watching Over Me

I decided to write this post over the course of a couple of days, mainly because I wanted to see how I still felt the next morning about things.

Things around here have been tough, as many of you are aware. Three weeks ago we went to the doctor, this time for Levi, and received a diagnosis of depression. It could be a seasonal thing, it might not be. All I know is that for months, my husband has been slowly replaced by someone of a different nature. I'm hoping that with help from his medication and love and support from us, he will reappear as the man I fell in love with. I realize that this is nobodys fault, certainly not his, and that depression is still one of those things that a lot of people don't really like to talk about because of the stigma still attatched to it. Truth is, depression is another one of those things like diabetes or heart disease, you find out you have it and treat it. Anybody can end up with it. So I guess I'm writing about it because I need an outlet. The last few days have been extremely emotional for me.

I so desprately miss my husband. Once in a while I still see bits of the old Levi, but it's not very often. I feel like he's lost and that I'm waiting, holding my breath for him to come in through the door so we can pick up our life again. In the meantime, I try to maintain some sort of relationship with the person who is here, but it's hard for me. I mean, he still looks like Levi, and tells me that he loves me, but he's not the same person. I find it difficult carrying everything by myself, trying to always be "up" around him, and having nobody to discuss my problems with. It must be so hard for him too, and I'm sure he is missing our old relationship. I feel so sad about this, for him, for me, for all of us.

I am breaking off a friendship with a girl who is a nice person when she's sober, but she's also a girl who can't control her liquor. She likes her drinks on the weekend, and when we're anywhere (including my wedding) she can turn ugly in a hurry with a few drinks in her. Suddenly she thinks everyone is talking about her, looking at her weird, or wanting to fight with her. So she gives dirty looks to complete strangers who might just be looking at her, wondering who she is because she's a new face, or because she's a cute little blonde. It's a great way to offend people without even opening your mouth, or an even better way to get your face beat in. Especially when you're on someone else's turf and acting like that. I'm really sick of having people come up to me and ask what my friends problem is. Aside from the fact that it reflects badly on me because I brought her there in the first place, it scares the shit out of me. When a gang of six girls came up to my van wanting to "talk" before we left, I had to cover her ass once again, and spent a lot of time smoothing ruffled feathers. I do not fight. I have never been in a fight, and really think it's stupid. But my friend will fight, and she will say (and did say) as much. So I told her to shut up, and once again talked to these girls who she had offended, apologizing for her behavior, etc. I think if it wasn't for the fact that they knew who I was, and that they liked me the few times they had seen me before, it would've been an ugly scene. So that's enough of that bullshit for me. I don't need that to contaminate my life, so I'm cutting my losses and severing the friendship. She's a nice person when she's sober though, and I'm going to miss that. I just wanted to hear the band that was playing...

My sister, who is OK, had an accident yesterday with her truck. The roads have been hell lately, with all the freezing and thawing and refreezing. I still don't know exactly what happened, but she went off the road on her way to work, rolled her truck, and it's looking like it's a write off. Thank God she was wearing her seat belt. I am so relieved that she is unharmed. All this makes me realize, once again, how easy it is to take people for granted, especially the people closest to you.

In addition to all this, Levi gets laid off from work today, which is going to be a very hard thing for us emotionally and financially. I know that it will all work out, it always does, but I need to get from here to there with my family intact. There are days that I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and that I am standing in the dark, waiting, waiting, waiting. This would be easier if the old Levi was here. I miss him so much.

I was listening to Hilary Duff, and was touched by the words to one of her songs. It's from her movie "Raise Your Voice". It's about missing the person you love, having faith in yourself, and no matter how hard things seem sometimes, having the strength to get through it.

"Someone's Watching Over Me"
-Hilary Duff

"Found myself today... oh, I found myself and ran away.
Something pulled me back, voice of reason I forgot I had.
All I know is you're not here to say what you always used to say.
But it's written in the sky tonight.

So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

I've seen that ray of light, and its shining on my destiny,
Shining all the time, and I won't be afraid to follow everywhere its taking me.
All I know is yesterday is gone, and right now I belong
To this moment, to my dreams.

So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

It doesn't matter what people say, and it doesn't matter how long it takes,
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
It only matters how true you are,
Be true to yourself and follow your heart..."

Silence

The wind was howling outside in the cold night as icy pellets of rain assaulted the window panes. In the warmth of the living room, the logs crackled and sizzled in the fireplace, while the glow of the flames danced throughout the darkness of the room. The glasses of wine had been set on the table alongside some chocolates, and music was playing softly in the other room. We had been missing each other and were longing for some time alone to reconnect after the recent stressful weeks. Things had been strained between us lately, and both of us were hoping that this session of quiet togetherness would help to rejuvenate our spirits.

Motioning for me to stretch out on the sofa, he took my foot in his hands and proceeded with a massage. The weight of my body melted in to the sofa as the warmth of his hands caressed my toes and spread throughout my exhausted body. Tears welled up in my eyes and suddenly I was overwhelmed with sadness, happiness, relief, joy. Oh, how I had missed this!! We would be ok, we've just been through a rough time, I reasoned with myself, swallowing the tears.

With the wall of tension soothed away, we proceeded to sip our drinks, pausing to gaze at the fire or nibble away at the chocolates. Sitting silently beside each other, we somehow managed to find our way back to the couple we were weeks ago. I'm not quite sure where we had gone to, or how we had even got there. Somehow, we knew the other was there the entire time, each one waiting for the other to emerge from under our own dark clouds.

Silence really is golden. It helps us express what words cannot. It helps us to hear the sounds of others we miss when we are too absorbed in our own worries. Silence has shouted to me when I needed to be still and listen to my life, or to pay attention and reach out to others. And silence whispers of encouragement, just when it's needed most.

My handsome hubby and I. 

Wedding Daze

I am such a bad blogger. No posts for over a month. Were you wondering if I would ever write again? I was.

This whole "wedding thing" is really taking it's toll on my nerves, my ever shrinking bank account, and ironically, my relationship with Levi. Don't get me wrong, things are still as great and solid between us as they ever were. We are still madly in love with one another. It's strange, though, how trudging through all this mucky business of getting hitched seems to have made us "miss" one another. Does any of that make sense?

Normally, we would snuggle up on the sofa and watch TV after the kids were tucked into bed. Now we sit at the kitchen table and try to figure out where all the money for the DJ, the harpist, the minister, etc. is going to come from. We know that on top of all this, we still need to pay our usual bills, and have money set aside for other things like medicine. (yep, its that time again, the kids are back in school and dragging home every viral infection they can get on their hands... but that's another post)

I guess it's not even really about the money. I just miss the normality that used to go on around here. People now call all day and ask me things. Yellow roses with the copper ones? Wine at the head table? Do you want spruce or pine trees? Are the kids going to be here or there? Can we get Terran in again, we think we have his tux the right length now. Do you want the full name or just the initials engraved on these? How is everyone getting to the ceremony, and in what vehicle? Why is the van making that noise? Are you leaking power steering fluid? Can you find out how much to get that fixed? Did Connor say his ear was hurting? His fever was what? Did you sleep at all last night? Did you eat today? Can you sign my homework? What's for supper? Will you be paying with credit card or cash? AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

So. There it is. A two second snippet of my day. I hate to seem ungrateful. I feel so fortunate to be able to even have choices. I am just tired of making all of the decisions. I miss when the hardest decision was "Do I really want to eat before going to bed or no?" It will soon be over, this insanity.

Only two more sleeps!

The Story of Us

Only 35 sleeps left until our Wedding Day!!

No, everything is not ready yet.
Yes, I am getting a little panicky.

Sound about normal to you? Thought so.

So a bunch of you have been asking, and some of you already know the story of how Levi and I started out. There's a few different takes on the whole story, like how we met, or how we first knew we were interested in each other, but there was that one special moment when I knew that he was someone I had to keep in my life. What was it, you ask? The moment he kissed me on the forehead.

Before all that happened, Levi was someone I was just starting to get to know. The very first time I met him, I was actually on a date with his roommate. We had maybe a total of two dates, and I felt that was probably two too many. He was nice enough, we just never really had much in common. So that's how I was first introduced to Levi. Through a mutual friend.

A few months later, I walked into a classroom at Holland College to teach a First Aid course. Levi was sitting in the front row. Recognizing him from before, and feeling guilty about not returning his roommates phone calls, I felt a little awkward, but his easy going nature put me at ease, and I was able to get on with my day. Over the next three days that I was teaching there, we joked around, made light conversation, and I decided that I really liked him as a person. I had no idea if he had a girlfriend or not, but I had hoped that I would see him the next time I went out with the girls.

As it turns out, I did see him there. A few times. We would always say Hi to one another, he would usually buy me a drink, and we would dance for a bit. One weekend, my cousin Jason came over to PEI to visit, and I took him out to show him the local "wildlife" in Charlottetown. I saw Levi again, introduced the two, and then we met up with my neighbor. Everyone ended up coming back to my place for a bite to eat. Eventually, Levi and I were the only two left awake, out on the deck talking until about four in the morning and trying to do ollies on the skateboard. (I still do not know what an ollie is) I think we "liked" each other at this point, but neither one of had made it known to the other. That was the weekend before September 11 the happened.

After that, we didn't see each other so much. I was extremely busy at the Red Cross and with my two kids. The next time I saw him, it was October. My friend had decided to take me out, thinking I needed a break from everything. I had a great time that night, dancing, laughing and having fun. Until I had the wine. Levi was with Melanie, Dawn and I, and we were walking to Dawn's house to call a cab. I was wearing my boots with the four inch heel, and sort of walked on the edge of the sidewalk. I snapped my ankle and poor Levi ended up carrying me on his back up to the corner store. By this time, the wine was doing its work, and the pain was excruciating. I felt ill. Very, very ill. He called a cab and bought me a bag of ice and to put on my ankle while Melanie held my hair off my face in the bathroom.

Yeah, I know, not exactly at my best.
I got home, only having to get the cabbie to pull over once. Levi and Melanie pulled the boots off me, and then he carried me up to my bed while Mel got a bucket for me to puke in. I was in so much pain, and apparently allergic to the wine. He tucked me in, arranged the ice under my hugely swollen ankle, brushed the hair from my face and gently kissed me on the forehead before he went home.

I had a broken ankle and needed crutches for two weeks. During this time, I still didn't know Levi's last name, but I knew where I could find him. I called the College and left a message for him to call me. I needed to thank him for his kindness. Nobody has ever been so unselfishly kind to me like that. I didn't hear from him.

Weeks later, I saw him again. He told me that he was on OJT for school, and hasn't been to the school in two weeks. He invited me to his new place for steak and salad, I got spaghetti and fell in like. The following week, we had our first "real" date, lunch at Pat & Willy's. The rest, as they say, is history.

Some say he had a crush on the teacher. Some say I "fell" for him. I say He kissed me on the forehead.

My Summer Vacation

I can't believe it's been a month since my last post!! What exactly have I been up to then, instead of writing?

Well, there's been a trip to Fredericton. There's been a cast on Terran's arm. There's been wedding invitations printed and delivered. A bunch of brochures for my classes were created and printed. An ad for the local Arts & Entertainment magazine also designed and printed. We've been dealing with high humidity, low energy, heat waves, cool showers, beach days, rain days, outdoor dining, bored kids, a temperamental BBQ, the building of a swing set, un-bored kids (yay!), bridal showers (not mine), more beach days, sand in the car, sand in the tub, sandwiches, (almond butter & jam!), picnics in the back yard, dog hair in the house, thunder storms, the dog upstairs ( a no-no), and a bunch of other stuff. Mainly wedding stuff.

So, it's eight weeks until the wedding. This is the part where I should be saying: "Everything is falling into place." "Um, well, it's getting there" is more likely to describe things. The invites to the wedding are out, the responses are starting to come in, and the invites to the dance will go out next week I think. The tuxes have been ordered, and Levi and Terran measured. I'm jealous now, because he's basically done. He just has to go in and try it on when it comes in and that's it. Done.

Me on the other hand, I'm a wreck. The dresses haven't even been started yet. (Not even my wedding dress!!) I can't find the right fabric for the bridesmaids dresses in the right color. Everything I look at seems too dark or too light. I haven't made any arrangements yet for a cake or for flowers. I have no idea if and when there is going to be a bridal shower, (I'm not a huge fan of surprises... I like to be prepared...) We still haven't picked out where we want to go for our honeymoon, who's going to watch the kids, or even where we are going to spend our wedding night.
I guess weddings have been planned in shorter time than this, but I'm really starting to stress over this. I mean, I'm having nightmares of me sitting at a sewing machine the night before the wedding trying to make a wedding dress! The other night, I dreamed that the cost of the tux rentals was going to be around two thousand dollars!!! I awoke in a cold sweat from that one...

As much as I'm trying really hard to enjoy this time, I will be so glad when this whole "wedding thing" is all over. Some women go totally nuts to have the "perfect wedding" and put so much emphasis on the whole "it's my day" crap. I just want to be married to the greatest guy in the world. Last night, he came home from his ball game with a beautiful bunch of wild flowers that he had picked for me. No special reason, he just thought I'd like them. Like I said, the greatest guy in the world...

Love Nest

Over the past week, my family and I have been able to view nature at it's most wondrous. A pair of robins have decided to build their nest under the eaves of our front verandah, and we are fortunate enough to have front row seats.

I first noticed something was going on when I discovered a robin perched on the beams under the roof of our verandah. He was later joined by his mate. Throughout the day, I noticed that they made several trips from the eaves to get mud, straw and twigs. (Robins can actually make up to 180 trips a day when building their nest!) We all speculated on whether or not they were actually going to build a nest there, until one afternoon we peeked out the window and saw a very defined, very sturdy looking nest snuggled in the space in our eaves. Looks like our new neighbours are settling in quite nicely, and are getting ready for the arrival of their babies.

Inside the house, things are much the same. I make about 180 trips a day to the soccer field, the grocery store, the school, the doctor, the pharmacy, and various other places I need to be. There are days when I feel like my house is all askew, and I need to put things in order again.

Probably the best feeling though, is the one at the end of the day. You know the one...after the ball games and soccer practices, after all the kids are in bed, the toys are away, the kitchen is clean, and the laundry is caught up (almost). That's the time when Levi and I collapse on the sofa, rest our heads on one another and talk. Sometimes it's about the kids. Sometimes it's about the wedding. Other times it's about bills, our future together, or simply how our day was. Whatever it is we talk about, we both feel appreciative of everything that the other has done for our family.

Life with three young kids isn't always easy for a young couple, but we're making it work. Respect and appreciation is the mud that holds our little "love nest" together. It's softened with the warmth and comfort of hugs and kisses, and strengthened by love.

Home

There are days that you wish could last forever, and then there are days that you wish you could just stay in bed until it's over. I never really understood this concept until I became a mother. On the good days, the children are playing together, the signifigant other tells you how much he appreciates you, and all is generally right with the world. The bad days are a little harder to take, but you do it because you have to. On Tuesday, I took the baby to the doctor. He had a fever of 104 for about four days, and he was showing no sign of getting any better. At the doctor's office, there was a mother, who, much like me, looked like she hadn't slept in a few nights. She was pressing her lips to the head of her feverish little baby, consoling her, and trying not to cry. I could relate to her overwhelming fatigue, and see her sense of helplessness as she held her child. I looked down at my own armful, and felt tears stinging my eyes. Perhaps it was the sleep deprived state that I was in, but most likely it was the tiny little person with the hot dry skin and the glassy eyes staring back at me, totally dependant on me to help him feel better. He is still too young to tell me what he needs, but he was finding comfort in my arms. Occasionally, he would whimper "mum" and snuggle closer, as if to make sure I was still there. He eventually fell asleep.
Later that evening, as Levi (my hubby-to-be) and I lay on the couch, I found myself snuggling deeper into his warm embrace. My tears were threatening to find their way to the surface. As if he could read my heart, he simply kissed the top of my head and whispered "It was a hard day for you, wasn't it?" I just nodded, and savored every moment of being there in his arms. Everything would be all right. He understood, and there was no need for words. Was this how Connor had felt earlier that day? Safe? Loved? Understood? I sincerely hope so. I mean, isn't this what love is all about- the feeling of being home?